Favourite Funny Moments

[sullafelix]

There are some hysterically moments in Roman history. Some are universally considered side-splitting, some are more a matter of taste, or maybe you have just seen them in a way that others have not as yet considered. I think its time we had a bit of a laugh. Post your favourite silly moments and share the laughter round a bit go on...Here's mine, stick John Cleese's face on the eunuch - works marvellously!

 

It is early in the Fifth Century..........

 

 

"At that time they say that the Emperor Honorius in Ravenna received the message from one of the eunuchs, evidently a keeper of the poultry, that Rome had perished. And he cried out and said, 'And yet it has just eaten from my hands!' For he had a very large cock, Rome by name; and the eunuch comprehending his words said that it was the city of Rome which had perished at the hands of Alaric, and the emperor with a sigh of relief answered quickly: 'But I, my good fellow, thought that my fowl Rome had perished.' "

 

Procopius, The Vandalic War (III.2.25-26)

 

There is something so marvellous about this story, you can almost see the eunuch's moment of blank incomprehension before realising that his emperor had reached levels of previously untapped idiocy.

 

Someone find me the one about the sacred chickens please!

 

SF

[Nephele]

How about a funny dead puppy story?

 

The year is 168 BCE. Little Aemilia Tertia, daughter of the consul Lucius Aemilius Paulus, is distraught. Her father enters the family atrium and asks what's the matter. Little Aemilia Tertia bawls: "Perseus is DEAD!" She points to her puppy, who's lying on his back with his feet in the air. His eyes are: x x

 

Daddy is preoccupied with his thoughts, for the Senate has just appointed him as the general to lead the Roman army against King Perseus of Macedonia.

 

But it gradually dawns on Daddy that the puppy has the same name as Rome's enemy. He looks down at the dead puppy. "The puppy's name was Perseus?" he asks. "Now, that's what I call a good omen!" Little Aemilia Tertia goes "Waaaaaaah!"

 

Okay, it was probably funnier when Plutarch told it. Which, of course, inspired Plutarch's list of "101 Uses for a Dead Puppy." That Plutarch, what a joker.

 

-- Nephele

[Faustus]

A Medal for Horatius A Medal for Horatius

The True Story

(By Colonel W C Hall, printed in the British Army Journal January 1953.)

Rome, II Calends, April CCCLX

SUBJECT: Recommendation for Senate Medal of Honor

TO: Department of War, Republic of Rome

I. Recommend Caius Horatius, Captain of Foot, CMCMXIV, for the Senate Medal of Honor.

II. Captain Horatius has served XVI years, all honorable.

III. On the II day of March, during the attack on the city by Lars Porsena of Clausium and his Tuscan Army of CMX men, Captain Horatius, with Sergeant Sporius Laritus and Corporal Julius Herminius, held the entire Tuscan army at the far end of the bridge, until the structure could be destroyed, thereby saving the city.

IV. Captain Horatius did valiantly fight and kill one Major Picus of Clausium in individual combat.

V. The exemplary courage and the outstanding leadership of Captain Horatius are in the highest tradition of the Roman Army.

________________________________________

JULIUS ANTINOUS,

Commander, II Foot Legion

Ist, Ind, AG IV Calends, April CCCLX

TO: G-III

For comment.

________________________________________

G.C.

IInd Ind, G-III IX Calends, May CCC

TO: G-II

I. For comment and forwarding.

II. Change end of paragraph III from "saving the city" to "lessened the effectiveness of the enemy attack." The Roman Army was well dispersed tactically; the reserve has not been committed. The phrase as written might be construed to cast aspersions on our fine army.

III. Change paragraph V from "outstanding leadership" to read "commendable initiative." Captain Horatius's command was II men, only I/IV of a squad.

________________________________________

J.D.

IIId Ind, G-II II Ides, June CCCLX

TO: G-I

I. Omit strength of Tuscan forces in paragraph III. This information is classified.

II. A report evaluated as B-II states that the officer was a Captain Picus of Tifernum. Recommend change to "an officer of the enemy forces."

________________________________________

J.H.

IVth Ind, G-I IX Ides, January CCCLXI

TO: JAG

I. Full name is Caius Claudius Horatius.

II. Change service from XVI to XV years. One year in Romulus Chapter BPOE, has been given credit for military service in error.

________________________________________

E.J.

Vth Ind, JAG II, February CCCLXI

TO: AG

I. The Porsena raid was not during wartime; the temple of Janus was closed.

II. The action against the Porsena raid, ipso facto, was a police action.

III. The Senate Medal of Honor cannot be awarded in peacetime (AB/CVIII-XXV, paragraph XII, C).

IV. Suggest consideration for Soldier's Medal.

________________________________________

P.B.

VIth Ind, AF IV Calends, April CCCLXI

TO: G-I

Concur in paragraph IV, Vth Ind.

________________________________________

L.J.

VIIth Ind, G-I I May CCCLXI

TO: AG

Soldier's medal is given for saving lives; suggest star of bronze as appropriate.

________________________________________

E.J.

VIIIth Ind, JAG II Calends, June CCCLXI

TO: JAG

>For opinion.

________________________________________

G.C.

IXth Ind, JAG II Calends, September CCCLXI

I. XVIII months have elapsed since event described in basic letter. Star of bronze cannot be awarded after XV months have elapsed.

II. Officer is eligible for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.

________________________________________

P.B.

X Ind, AG I Calends, October CCCLXI

TO: G-I

For draft of citation for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.

________________________________________

P.B.

XI Ind, G-I III Calends, October CCCLXI

TO: G-II

I. Do not concur.

II. Our currently fine relations with Tuscany would suffer and current delicate negotiations might be jeopardized if publicity were given to Captain Horatius' actions at this time.

________________________________________

T.J.

XII Ind, G-II VI November CCCLXI

TO: G-I

A report rated D-IV, partially verified, states that Lars Porsena is very sensitive about the Horatius affair.

________________________________________

E.T.

XIIIth Ind, G-I X November CCCLXI

TO: AG

I. In view of information contained in preceding XI and XIII the endorsements, you will prepare immediate orders of Captain C. C. Horatius to one of our overseas stations (remote).

II. His attention will be directed to paragraph XII, POM, which prohibits interviews or conversations with newsmen prior to arrival at final destination.

L.T.

________________________________________

 

Rome II Calends, I April CCCLXII

SUBJECT: Survey, Report of, Department of War

TO: Captain Caius Caius Horatius, III Legion, V Phalanx, APO XIX, C/O Postmaster, Rome.

I. Your statements concerning the loss of your shield and sword in the Tiber River of III March CCCLX have been carefully considered.

II. It is admitted that you were briefly in action against certain unfriendly elements on that day. However, Sergeant Lartius and Corporal Herminius were in the same action and did not lose any government property.

III. The Finance Officer has been directed to reduce your next pay by II-I/IV talents (I-III/IV talents cost on each sword, officers; III/IV talent cost of one each shield, M-II).

IV. You are enjoined and admonished to pay strict attention to conservation of government funds and property. The budget must be balanced next year.

H. MARCUS AURELIUS

Lieutenant of Horse

Survey Officer

[Ursus]

When the future emperor Sulpicius Galba was governor in Spain, he had a Roman citizen crucified for poisoning his ward. When the convict cried the laws and status from the cross, Galba had him taken down, and then hoisted up again on a cross loftier than the others, and painted white,

[Northern Neil]

I cannot think of anything offhand from primary sources but I expect the attempts at theatre and music by Nero must have had people in the palace struggling to stifle laughter, in much the same way as Pilate's guards in the 'Life of Brian'.

[Primus Pilus]

I think Vespasian had style...

 

From Suetonius Life of Vespasian 23.3

When Titus found fault with him for contriving a tax upon public conveniences, he held a piece of money from the first payment to his son's nose, asking whether its odour was offensive to him. When Titus said "No," he replied, "Yet it comes from urine."

 

This time the joke was on him, but the impression is that he probably laughed uproariously...

Suetonius Life of Vespasian 20...

 

He was well built, with strong, sturdy limbs, and the expression of one who was straining. Apropos of which a witty fellow, when Vespasian asked him to make a joke on him also, replied rather cleverly: "I will, when you have finished relieving yourself."

[caldrail]

A lot of roman humour seems to be play on words or witty observations of others. I think there's much of it that goes right over our heads these days when back then it had people rolling on the floor clutching their ribs.

[Gaius Paulinus Maximus]

A lot of roman humour seems to be play on words or witty observations of others. I think there's much of it that goes right over our heads these days when back then it had people rolling on the floor clutching their ribs.

 

An example of a witty play on words....

 

When Caesar became Dictator many of his associates expected to pick up the properties of of the now defeated Pompeians for a snip of the true price but to their disapointment Caesar insisted that the pay the full price although where Servillia was concerned it was a different matter. Caesar clearly still had a strong affection for Servillia but around this time he was also rumoured to have had an affair with one of her daughter's, Tertia (Third) without this seeming to weaken their bond, some even say she arranged the liaison, and when Servillia went on to purchase some valuble estates at a fraction of their true price Cicero joked that "People did not realise how much of a bargain this really was, for there was a 'Third' taken off the price"

[Falconius]

Well, the Roman word for sheath was vagina. So I remember reading that two men were gossiping about some affair a soldier had and he said something to this affect.

 

"I am sure he thrust his gladius into her sheath."

 

Thought it was some dirty humor.

[Maty]

The nasty thing about Roman humour is that a lot of it has such a straight delivery that later generations are left scratching their heads and asking 'was that meant to be a joke?'

 

In this category is Plutarch commenting that the (immensely fat) Vitellus was 'descended from a river nymph' and Cato the elder saying that a healthy lad should be bathed daily in the urine of a man who ate nothing but cabbage.

 

An example of dry Roman humour I've always liked is the senator who was owed a favour which he expected to have repaid with political support. When the favour was due to be delivered, the man who owed it tried to hide in the back of the crowd. In due course a slave came over to this man with a note from the senator. It said 'You owe me for not noticing you.'

 

A more slapstick moment I'd love to have seen was when Cato challenged Caesar about a note he had received while in the senate. Alleging this was a treasonous message from conspirators against Rome, he ordered the note read aloud. It turned out to be from Cato's half-sister Servilia wanting to meet Caesar for some clandestine sex later.

[Maty]

The one about the sacred chickens would be C. Claudius Pulcher at Drepana in 249. It's in Livy, but I don't have the reference on hand. Just as a matter of interest, his fellow consul was Pullus (chicken). Pullus managed to lose the other half of the fleet at Cape Pachynus.

[Gaius Paulinus Maximus]

Well, the Roman word for sheath was vagina. So I remember reading that two men were gossiping about some affair a soldier had and he said something to this affect.

 

"I am sure he thrust his gladius into her sheath."

 

Thought it was some dirty humor.

 

Here's an excellent example of dirty humour and innuendo from The Golden Ass by Apuleius.......

 

....The wine went to my head; but it also went to my thighs. I grew restive and like a fallen warrior displaying a wound, pulled off my nightshirt and gave Fotis visible proof of my impatience. 'Have pity on me,' I said, 'and come quickly to my rescue. As you see I'm well armed and ready for the merciless battle to which you challenged me, the sort of battle in which no herald can intervene to part the combatants. Since the first of Cupids sharp arrows lodged in my heart this morning, I have been standing to arms all day, and now my bow is strung so tight I'm afraid something will snap if the advance isn't sounded pretty soon........"

 

Great stuff !!

[Ingsoc]

Suetonius telling of the afair of Caesar with the Bithenian king:

 

There was no stain on his reputation for chastity except his intimacy with King Nicomedes, but that was a deep and lasting reproach, which laid him open to insults from every quarter. I say nothing of the notorious lines of Licinius Calvus:

 

"Whate'er Bithynia had, and Caesar's paramour."

 

I pass over, too, the invectives of Dolabella and the elder Curio, in which Dolabella calls him "the queen's rival, the inner partner of the royal couch," and Curio, "the brothel of Nicomedes and the stew of Bithynia." 2 I take no account of the edicts of Bibulus, in which he posted his colleague as "the queen of Bithynia," saying that "of yore he was enamoured of a king, but now of a king's estate." At this same time, so Marcus Brutus declares, one Octavius, a man whose disordered mind made him somewhat free with his tongue, after saluting Pompey as "king" in a crowded assembly, greeted Caesar as "queen." But Gaius Memmius makes the direct charge that he acted as cup-bearer to Nicomedes with the rest of his wantons at a large dinner-party, and that among the guests were some merchants from Rome, whose names Memmius gives. 3 Cicero, indeed, is not content with having written in sundry letters that Caesar was led by the king's attendants to the royal apartments, that he lay on a golden couch arrayed in purple, and that the virginity of this son of Venus was lost in Bithynia; but when Caesar was once addressing the senate in defence of Nysa, daughter of Nicomedes, and was enumerating his obligations to the king, Cicero cried: "No more of that, pray, for it is well known what he gave you, and what you gave him in turn." 4 Finally, in his Gallic triumph his soldiers, among the bantering p69songs which are usually sung by those who followed the chariot, shouted these lines, which became a by-word:

 

"All the Gauls did Caesar vanquish, Nicomedes vanquished him;

Lo! now Caesar rides in triumph, victor over all the Gauls,

Nicomedes does not triumph, who subdued the conqueror." (Life of Caesar, 49)