Ambrose Bierce's Guide to the Roman World

[Nephele]

No, Ambrose Bierce's Guide to the Roman World isn't the title of some previously lost and recently discovered book by that celebrated cynicism-meister, Ambrose Bierce. This is merely a small sampling of Bierce's acerbic wit, which I've taken from the expanded version of The Devil's Dictionary, and which pertains to our favorite subject -- namely, Rome.

 

So, for your amusement, fellow Romanophiles, here is Bierce's satirical take on selected aspects of Rome and Roman culture:

 

 

Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

 

Is public worship, then, a sin,

That for devotions paid to Bacchus

The lictors dare to run us in,

And resolutely thump and whack us?

-- Jorace

 

Censor, n. An officer of certain governments, employed to suppress the works of genius. Among the Romans the censor was an inspector of public morals, but the public morals of modern nations will not bear inspection.

 

Emperor, n. One ranking next above a king. An ace, as it were.

 

Eulogy, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

 

Faun, n. In Latin mythology, a kind of rural deity. The godhood of the Fauns was pretty nearly a sinecure, their duties consisting mainly in having pointed ears and liaisons with nymphs. There were lady fauns (faunae) and these fawned on the satyrs. (SEE Satyr below)

 

Foreigner, n. A villain regarded with various and varying degrees of toleration, according to his conformity to the eternal standard of our conceit and the shifting one of our interests. Among the Romans all foreigners were called barbarians because most of the tribes with which the Romans had acquaintance were bearded. The term was merely descriptive, having nothing of reproach in it; Roman disparagement was generally more frankly expressed with a spear. The descendants of the barbarians -- the modern barbers -- have seen fit, however, to retort with the saw-toothed razor.

 

Freedman, n. A person whose manacles have sunk so deeply into the flesh that they are no longer visible.

 

Graces, n. Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne, who attended upon Venus, serving without salary. They were at no expense for board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and dressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened to be blowing.

 

Hebrew, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation.

 

History, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

 

Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown

'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known,

Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide,

Wherein he blundered and how much he lied.

-- Salder Bupp

 

Inauspiciously, adv. In an unpromising manner, the auspices being unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the flight of birds -- the omens thence derived being called auspices. Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided that the word -- always in the plural -- shall mean "patronage" or "management"; as, "The festivities were under the auspices of the Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The hilarities were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger."

 

A Roman slave appeared one day

Before the Augur. "Tell me, pray,

If --" here the Augur, smiling, made

A checking gesture and displayed

His open palm, which plainly itched,

For visibly its surface twitched.

A denarius (the Latin nickel)

Successfully allayed the tickle,

And then the slave proceeded: "Please

Inform me whether Fate decrees

Success or failure in what I

Tonight (if it be dark) shall try.

Its nature? Never mind -- I think

'Tis writ on this" -- and with a wink

Which darkened half the earth, he drew

Another denarius to view,

Its shining face attentive scanned,

Then slipped it into the good man's hand,

Who with great gravity said: "Wait

While I retire to question Fate."

That holy person then withdrew

His sacred clay and, passing through

The temple's rearward gate, cried "Shoo!"

Waving his robe of office. Straight

Each sacred peacock and its mate

(Maintained for Juno's favor) fled

With clamor from the trees o'erhead,

Where they were perching for the night.

The temple's roof received their flight,

For thither they would always go,

When danger threatened them below.

Back to the slave the Augur went:

"My son, forecasting the event

By flight of birds, I must confess

The auspices deny success."

That slave retired, a sadder man,

Abandoning his secret plan --

Which was (as well the crafty seer

Had from the first divined) to clear

The wall and fraudulently seize

On Juno's poultry in the trees.

-- G.J.

 

Inferiae, n. (Latin) Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for propitiation of the Dii Manes, or souls of the dead heroes; for the pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising materials.

 

J J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel -- than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which has been but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and it was not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb, jacere, "to throw," because when a stone is thrown at a dog the dog's tail assumes that shape. This is the origin of the letter, as expounded by the renowned. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of Belgrade, who established his conclusions on the subject in a work of three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being reminded that the j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl.

 

Manes, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in a state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which they had exhaled were buried and burned; and they seem not to have been particularly happy afterward

 

Ovation, n. In ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser "triumph." In modern English the word is improperly used to signify any loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to the hero of the hour and place.

 

Painting, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work: the ancients painted their statues. The only present alliance between the two arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons.

 

Republic, n. A form of government in which equal justice is administered to all who can afford to pay for it.

 

Plebeian, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a saturated solution.

 

Plebiscite, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.

 

Quiver, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments.

 

He extracted from his quiver,

Did the controversial Roman,

An argument well fitted

To the question as submitted,

Then addressed it to the liver,

Of the unpersuaded foeman.

-- Oglum P. Boomp

 

Satyr, n. One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology accorded recognition in the Hebrew. (Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The satyr was at first a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a loose allegiance with Dionysius, but underwent many transformations and improvements. Not infrequently he is confounded with the faun, a later and decenter creation of the Romans, who was less like a man and more like a goat.

 

Senate n. A body of elderly gentlemen, charged with high duties and misdemeanours.

 

Senator n. The fortunate bidder in an auction of votes.

[Gaius Octavius]

Yes! It's all true!

 

My gods, what if MPC stumbles on this?

 

[Nephele]

Yes! It's all true!

 

My gods, what if MPC stumbles on this?

 

 

I expect he should at least appreciate the entry for Eulogy.

 

-- Nephele

[Flavia Gemina]

Pure gold! Thanks for this Nephele! :-)

[ASCLEPIADES]

Here's a little more from the same source:

 

"HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip.

 

HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant,

which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly

fools.

 

Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown

'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known,

Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide,

Wherein he blundered and how much he lied.

 

Salder Bupp"

[Gaius Paulinus Maximus]

Haha great stuff Nephele.

 

Now I'm certain which is my favorite God......Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

 

Well at least on week ends anyway!

Edited October 10, 2007 by Gaius Paulinus Maximus

[Gaius Paulinus Maximus]

Here's a little more from the same source:

 

"HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip.

 

HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant,

which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly

fools.

 

Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown

'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known,

Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide,

Wherein he blundered and how much he lied.

 

Salder Bupp"

 

I think you'll find that this is already included in Nephele's Guide.

 

C'mon Asclepiades, open your eyes!!!

[ASCLEPIADES]

Here's a little more from the same source:

 

"HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip.

 

HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant,

which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly

fools.

 

Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown

'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known,

Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide,

Wherein he blundered and how much he lied.

 

Salder Bupp"

 

I think you'll find that this is already included in Nephele's Guide.

 

C'mon Asclepiades, open your eyes!!!

You're totally right.