Vibius Tiberius Costa Posted August 27, 2007 Report Share Posted August 27, 2007 (edited) Once again I don't know if this should go in here or somewhere else (eg the After Hours Bath forum or a Blog) I once again congratulate the site and it's fantastic members for their contributions to many of my new topics. You lot are a great help. As I believe I have said previously, I joined this site to further my knowledge and to develop a greater historical well of information for me. However, my main reason is research for a work of mine (novel) coming up. So as to see if i can write after all, I wish to 'publish' a few of my poems on the site. Most have no relevance to Rome and are simple things I write for schools. Well, please give me loads of feedback, for this particular one probably critical bad feedback. Thank you , well here goes. This one was one of my first and worst, I never gave a title to so have been calling it untitled, however if you think of a good name please post it: Untitled I have left, I have gone and flown I have not left, not left you alone You stole my heart and held my tongue My time has passed my time is done One day I'll come and set you free Don't wait, wait for an eternity Don't forget me, but still move ahead Don't linger nor ponder about the dead I'm there in your blood and tears Still in your flood and fears I know you want time to end Because you - like me - have lost your friend I'm there in your heart today and tomorrow Don't be consumed by sorrow They let me in through the door Don't look towards the loveless shore I know you're a part of me And only you will set me free For eternity vtc Edited August 27, 2007 by Vibius Tiberius Costa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Augusta Posted August 27, 2007 Report Share Posted August 27, 2007 Once again I don't know if this should go in here or somewhere else (eg the After Hours Bath forum or a Blog) I once again congratulate the site and it's fantastic members for their contributions to many of my new topics. You lot are a great help. As I believe I have said previously, I joined this site to further my knowledge and to develop a greater historical well of information for me. However, my main reason is research for a work of mine (novel) coming up. So as to see if i can write after all, I wish to 'publish' a few of my poems on the site. Most have no relevance to Rome and are simple things I write for schools. Well, please give me loads of feedback, for this particular one probably critical bad feedback. Thank you , well here goes. This one was one of my first and worst, I never gave a title to so have been calling it untitled, however if you think of a good name please post it: Untitled I have left, I have gone and flown I have not left, not left you alone You stole my heart and held my tongue My time has passed my time is done One day I'll come and set you free Don't wait, wait for an eternity Don't forget me, but still move ahead Don't linger nor ponder about the dead I'm there in your blood and tears Still in your flood and fears I know you want time to end Because you - like me - have lost your friend I'm there in your heart today and tomorrow Don't be consumed by sorrow They let me in through the door Don't look towards the loveless shore I know you're a part of me And only you will set me free For eternity vtc OK - I take it this is a person who has passed on 'speaking' to a person they left behind - at least that's how it reads to me. You said it was one of your first efforts, Vibs, so you may well have spotted by now that it is quite derivative. I can hear Stevie Smith in there - and even, Gods forbid - Patience Strong! But there is some nice assonance going on, even if the metre is a little 'clunky'. The only thing that really jarred with me was your third line 'You stole my heart and held my tongue' ??? It's very 'safe' as a poem - i.e. it says everything you would expect in this situation. Why not try some bolder metaphors or darker imagery to make the reader sit up and take notice of this huge wrench of death - that has clearly been more of a trauma for the departed than the one left behind. As for that idea (the poem being narrated by the dead one) that is more innovative and interesting, but I'd like more anger, perhaps. And sometimes - the simplest lines say the most to a reader 'Because you - like me - have lost your friend' is the most poignant line of the poem IMHO. But I take it you wrote this as a 'comfort' from the departed to the one left behind, which is nice and - as I said before - safe. Do we have an answering poem from the one left behind? That would be an interesting exercise - then a reader could contrast the viewpoints. Keep 'em coming, Vibs - as a huge poetry fan myself I'll be happy to read more. (Of course - I may have totally misinterpreted this poem, so feel free to rap me over the knuckles if I have ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flavia Gemina Posted August 28, 2007 Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 As a self-taught writer who has now published fourteen historical novels set in Rome -- with a TV series based on them -- I suggest you concentrate on plot structure and writing style. Prose is very different from poetry. When you've written something and you feel it's as good as you can make it, don't show it to friends. Send it to something like The Writers Group. You have to pay but they will professionally appraise your work in positive and constructive ways. To find their URL and to see my own tips on How to Get Published, go HERE. It's not easy to get published, but being a writer is the best job in the world. Good luck! Flavia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vibius Tiberius Costa Posted August 28, 2007 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 OK - I take it this is a person who has passed on 'speaking' to a person they left behind - at least that's how it reads to me. You said it was one of your first efforts, Vibs, so you may well have spotted by now that it is quite derivative. To be honest it was my first effort I was appraised for, the rest before this were for school. I can hear Stevie Smith in there - and even, Gods forbid - Patience Strong! Who are they? But there is some nice assonance going on, even if the metre is a little 'clunky'. The only thing that really jarred with me was your third line 'You stole my heart and held my tongue' ??? I have trouble reading it myself, i think as you said it is 'clunky' but it makes the thing not run so smooth and fairy, I originally wrote this after as you guessed someone passed away and it was to happy when it ran so smooth. I completely agree with the 'safety' factor. This is a comfort poem and safe seemed great at the time. Do we have an answering poem from the one left behind? That would be an interesting exercise - then a reader could contrast the viewpoints. I never even thought of that. I might try and sneek it in during hte time i write ny larger book. ty Augusta vtc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vibius Tiberius Costa Posted August 28, 2007 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 As a self-taught writer who has now published fourteen historical novels set in Rome -- with a TV series based on them -- I suggest you concentrate on plot structure and writing style. Prose is very different from poetry. When you've written something and you feel it's as good as you can make it, don't show it to friends. Send it to something like The Writers Group. You have to pay but they will professionally appraise your work in positive and constructive ways. To find their URL and to see my own tips on How to Get Published, go HERE. It's not easy to get published, but being a writer is the best job in the world. Good luck! Flavia Actually, as you can probably tell, i am a writer first and poet second. That's why i published the poem and not a narrative or descriptive extract. I'm going to check your url now se whats about vtc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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