Gaius Octavius

All wars are fought for economic gain. In the original 'hypothetical' one premise is lacking: Why would Alexander go West? What did Rome have that A wanted or needed that he could not easily get in the conquered East? A was an Orientalist. He fought and conquered oriental mobs who were easily disheartened at the slightest sign of set back or defeat. This was never a part of the Republican Roman mind set. A was an oriental god and acted as such. The Republic lost many battles, but never a war. If the West were less than the East, then A could easily have conquered all of North Africa as a side show when he was in Egypt and Libya. (The Oracle could have told him to Go West Young Man.) Spain would then have been an easy trick. Since he would have so easily gained the support of All The Gauls, he could have easily attacked Rome through the western Alps as would have been done so easily through the eastern Alps. The Alps, you say, would have been as easy a bag as the Hindu Kush was. Reverting to the first sentence above, and the hypothetical itself, why would A leave all this treasure at his back with the additional possibility of the perfidious Carthaginians, sundry North Africans and Gauls linking up with their betters, i.e., the Romans, and they all making short work of All The Greeces? One might conclude that there was no treasure or threat worth the effort. His marching army could never carry more than three days supply. As he did in the East, he would have had to build a great navy to attack Italy (in lieu of the above) and to supply his troops from and by the sea. Now, I say unto you that Italy, at that time, had no great ports along a 2,000 mile coastline. But, you say that he could forage as he did from Syria to Sogdiana to India. And, again, you say that this conquest could have been a double pincer from the Alps and its supplement from the sea. Alas, we all know that the Romans were an impractical, lazy, fearful, cowering lot who could only think upon future orgies and discovering the joys of pizza. You also may hold that these inferior Roman's superior DNA could never produce a superior Captain as it always did. This proposition is not within the bounds of the hypothetical. Do you see the problems? Are the shades eclipsed from your eyes? Go Yankees! In conclusion and in sooth and without fear of sentient contradiction, I say unto all y'all: HAD IT TAKEN 1,000 YEARS, THE HEART OF MY GLORIOUS IMPERIAL ROMAN ANCESTORS WOULD HAVE CONSIGNED THE NAME ALEXANDER TO OBLIVION! greeks!

The god-Consul is astounded, astonished, and, need he say, appalled by the depravity taking place before his Sacred Person. He learns the reason for this licentiousness! The Evil Klatch, composed of The Lady Livia, Her PhDship, and The Lady of the Tomes, have been spicing the booze with Love Potion #9, i.e., Viagrarum! It is not the weeds of the trepaniac Pertinax which are the cause! GO imposes an edict on the respected and suspected Dr. Dalby to preach abstinence and soteriology to this unholy cacophonous and uninhibited mob of satyrs and nymphs. In their turn, with malice aforethought, and mayhem intended, the gang assault and lay hands upon the Consul's deputized minister! This may not stand! The caitiff, A/C, presumes that the present state of affairs is a perfect opportunity for him to secrete himself into some Plutonian nook and thus escape the Ultimate Penalty for his imposture. If he has any Luck at all, it is all bad. (Something like that of the Yankees.) Of a sudden, invaginated in a vaporous, sulphocyanic pestilential amorphous cloud and bearing a countenance that would put the fear of Iupiter into Dis, the long absent and unlamented Tyrant, Germanicus, puts in an unwelcome appearance accompanied by the smirking L_W. This, perforce, is an Evil Omen! Where have they been? What have they been up (down?) to? Has L_W been tantalizing G. by exposing her tattoos? Have they been at the Viagrarum? - Neat? GO auto-determines to snuff out this lewd, uninhibited, orgiastic melee and to terminatorilly punish the guilty. He appoints Mal(icious)adict his Grand Inquisitor with power to convoke an Inquisition and to administer the Auto de Fe generously and not to miss A/C. [P.S. & N.B. - My Lady Claudia informs me that I am the most hypocritical and wettest blanket in the Forum; and would rain on HM Q.E. II's parade.] And then...

Forgot to mention that the Lady Claudia picked up a copy of H.H. Scullard's "A History of the Roman World - 753 to 146 BC", 4th Ed. It has taken me a couple of days to get through the first 25 pages. I need a dictionary and a Roman atlas to get past each sentence.

Pantagathus = wise guy - in Linear B. He knows that I know not of what he babbles. He doesn't know that his Cordax is a transvestite. Returns to party looking for MPC to have an argument about hepatoscopy. C. makes with monster faces and scares off the maidens. A/C tries to get a note beyond the cohort cordon to alert his loved ones of the upcoming terminatory service in which he WILL be the Guest of Horror. Her PhDship hands GO a bag of aged Two Buck Chuck, lately imported from Kali4kneeya. GO searches for La Donna Sophia. The Lady of the Tomes searches for GO. AoS and Ginevra are fumbling around practicing some arcane eclectic art. Pertinax is now practicing trepany on RtG. Some barbarian called Viggen, passes the cordon and delivers a note to the besotted P.P. Buck Rogers lands his UFO on the villa's roof. And then...

Contrary to recent rumor and desire, the reports of my deceasement are contrary to fact and sublimely exaggerated. I have taken to disgorging the premises of four decades of accumulated worthless papers, clothes - such as double breasted count suits, and accounting books circa 1900. Not to put too fine a point on it, the Domina preached that it was, and remains, simply a matter of the junk or me that make the Ultimate Voyage. I have been whelmed by untold numbers of telephone calls by my alleged friends and good times relatives attempting to certify my passing. It was my pleasure to disappoint the louts. As is my wont, I have also been testing sundry whisk(e)ys, wines and and beers. Newcastle Brown Ale is my present ticket to oblivion. The Yankees are the bane of my soul and contribute disproportionately to my inebriation. The Domina has taken to an architect to bring HER kitchen into the 21st Century from its 1920s glory. He took out his tape measure and charm, and did what people think architects should do. When he finished nosing around, Gaius asked for a ball park guesstimate of the cost. The bearded sod put his life in my hands when he replied: $80 grand, not counting sink, washer-dryer, stove and dish washer. Gaius informed said sod that Gaius did not mean Yankee Stadium when he mentioned a 'ball park' figure. C. also made enquiry as to whether he was related to the late Jessie James. Gaius could buy Albania for less than that. On a scale of 1-10, the god-Consul's fury was 100. When the pedal hits the metal, the Domina may have to do with a Hibachi and a wash basin and I'll do with a park bench. The jokes should recommence shortly. Some of you presently have an outstanding invitation pending on regular e-mail. Others of you will get the same wondrous invitation as soon as I track down your regular e-mail addresses. I really do love and appreciate all y'all, and thanks for thinking about me. Congratulations DoL.

"This makes me wonder whether there are many more issues like this one and whether there is a non-governmental organization that monitors such issues." Will getting off on the turn of a phrase help?: "Alien unlawful enemy combatabts" and "Enemy Combatants" (or something like that) at Gitmo. Had there been 'Legal' and 'Illegal Speeders', I wouldn't have spent 3 days in the Tombs. Schiesters!

The god-Consul, who has been drugged by some soon to be Very Late personage, wakes from what he thought a short nap, and finds that two months have elapsed! He is appalled at the goings on. He makes note of the impostor, A/C, for future accounting. Hounds leaving their scent on peoples' legs. 'Massa'? 'Sunshine'? C., you racist! Well oiled people trying to worry a wild cat! Hard pressed lads trying to sow their wild seeds in any vacant plot. Disdressed woemens running for cover. DoL attempting to recount her recent 'oral defense' to any she can lay her paws on. N.C. casting evil spells on the innocent. Mooncollapse taking on the advocates of the Public Schools of Philosophy. But, the worst cut of all, is GO seeing his arch-friend, MPC, still in a vertical position and now arguing with His Greekness about the meaning of life and autochthonous. GO was under the impression that a cunning plan had been hatched to deal with MPC under extreme terminatory prejudice, and then elegantly disposed of in an Urnfield. Since his lictors are of no help, either to themselves or the Pater Arcanae, G.O. summons a cohort to surround the palace. No one in; no one out - of anything. Those, whose heads don't bounce, will be exiled to the Tin Islands. And then...

Knock 'em dead, Tiger. Best of luck.

This: http://www.unrv.com/forum/index.php?automo...si&img=1718 Check the rest of Northern Neil's stuff.

Is this from 'I Claudius' or from where?

Some @#$%^&* is savaging my posts - again!

Did he lose or did he win?

Words do not translate into context.

Please keep it to one thread. I don't give a tinkers damn about your pub exploits. Will the Yanks have someone to guide them around while you Brits are recovering?

I think that you Brits know that that I am a Britophile. Yet, your managerial capabilities are driving me nuts . Sept 28th or Sept 1? Your cousins, the Yanks, will have to make plans for at least a week, if not more. How can you help them?

Was that a notation, or part of the child's name? I understand that if a person were hanged, S.P.S. (Suspensus Per Collum - Hanged by the Neck) was appended to his name?

Pleased? Both Claudia and I are ecstatic!

I hope that you Brits get together on dates so that your colonial cousins may make definite plans about attending.

The stirrups added balance to cavalry.

Yo! I got it! I Got it! It's beautiful! A gem! I have already poured some of my libation to it. Tonight we will sacrifice a pork tenderloin to it. (Claudia hopes that it won't be a burnt offering.) It will get a good part, and not grizzle. It is just PERFEECT! I can't praise it enough. Claudia loves it. Right now, it holds a place of Honour on a nearby book shelf. I am going to have it enclosed in a clear plastic display container and put it on top of the computer so that I will see it and worship there easily. I don't deserve such a treasure. I can't thank you enough, Neil, Tom ---------------------------------------------------------- N.N's work is exceptional!. The work; the detail. He is a Michelangelo!

The Roman surgeons' instruments are easily recognized by a modern surgeon. They were hardly added to up until WWI. Each legionary was given First Aid training, and the legions had ambulances. Each legion had surgeons, the camps had makeshift hospitals, and the forts had permanent hospitals, which were kept clean.

It is Primus Pilus!!! He is scowling and has a collection of accounts to be settled in his arms!!!

Thanks again, Lady. That really cleared it up for me.

"Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus / Imperator Caesar Divi Filius Augustus" (From UNRV) ???