caldrail

Yes, I have heard that americans throw cars away readily. Perhaps it's like New Zealand? Whilst I was there, I learned to recognise the houses of Maori's. They were always the ones with two rusting cars on the drive.

No, I just wouldn't be able to keep a straight face. Actually, I don't have the 'professional demeanour' they're looking for. Its all image really.

Yes, thats a bad habit of mine. Not to worry, at least it helped!

A lesson in life? Assuming he still has it after wrapping himself around a lampost, and I know what I was like as a driver at his age. Actually, I think watching him speed by enjoying the car would be too much for me to bear. Besides, I like the numberplate and it doesn't cost me anything to retain it if I SORN the vehicle. (SORN = Satutory Off Road Notification, a legal requirement to register cars that aren't licensed for use on the road)

The doorbell rang last night. Wow, thats a forgotten pleasure. Most people announce their presence by shouting in the street. So I drop my dry sandwich and rush downstairs in a fit of uncool eagerness. A hopeful adolescent stood in the hallway, looking a bit uncertain at my raffish squalor. "Is that your Mazda out back?" He asked. Oh no... Don't tell me it's been vandalised again.... Yes it is, I responded. "You thinking of selling it?" He enquired nervously. I stared for a second with raised eyebrows. Full marks for chutzpah, but a hot sportscar (albeit a castrated one) at his age? I realise how much he'll suffer. Putting the car back together will cost him far more than he realises, the car is far more demanding to drive than he realises, and the police will be demanding him to stop every five yards. No, I answered with considerable finality. He left, disconsolate, his dreams of impressing his mates and pulling the girls broken. Poor lad. Never mind, he'll find a cheap hatchback somewhere and find his freedom. Just like I did at his age. Sandwich of the Week Returning upstairs, I grit my teeth to consume the dry sandwich. Bread isn't too expensive I suppose, but so often it's been stored in freezers before sale and it dries out when thawed. Worse still is the cheese. The packaged slices I used to buy have doubled in price since the recent supermarket inflation, so I've no choice but buy these new 'singles' packs. At 50p for ten, you can't argue. Or so I thought. When you finally extricate them from their clever cancerous plastic wrapper, you get a quivering plastic cheese substitute that doesn't taste of anything at all. I demand cheap cheese! Real dairy produce, stuff that smells of cheese, tastes like cheese, and doesn't vibrate on its own accord. All I need now is a dog called Grommet.

With regard to job descriptions, its all about assumed prestige. By making the job seem incredibly difficult or technical (by using lots of obscure words in novel combinations) you attract people of the required mindset, or at least so the theory goes. Personally, I think people who write job descriptions like that are petty officious individuals whose own importance revolves around the use of a dictionary in their desk. With regard to chocolate, I sympathise. So to the lady I once upset and who specified Terry's Gold as suitable recompense, I must apologise unchocolatedly.

Your choice of topic revolves around how much detail you put into it. The more specific the title, the deeper you'll need to go. Strictly speaking, at the beginning. We like to classify and put labels on things, so we define periods and trends and so forth, but the reality is a changing society that went a collection of hill farms to a successful conquest state and eventually to fragment and wither. Slavery is part of the story, though in my view you should place it in perspective. Slavery was a fact of life for human beings everywhere in the ancient world. Patricians evolved from those connected with the priesthoods of earliest times, and as inter-settlement raids were linked to these martial cults, the rise of militaristic families shouldn't be too suprising. It must be stated though that the difference in wealth between the patrician and plebian classes wasn't always so marked. Many plebs became financially successful one way or another. Despite the status that wealth bought in Roman society even from the beginning, their lower social status remained in place. The increase in wealth went hand in hand with increasing military success but then many Romans were becoming extremely wealthy on the back of property deals made possible by larger populations. After major conquests. The prisoners of war became commodities and were sold off wholesale. During the republic, the slave markets of Delos were said to taken in and sold ten thousand slaves in one day. Delos went out od business before the Principate, so evidently they were benefitting from military success and couldn't sustain their hold of the market when demand for slaves plummetted afterward. Try a search. I 'm sure you'll find some useful stuff. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slavery_in_ancient_Rome http://www.moyak.com/researcher/resume/pap...an_slavery.html

Somewhere, out there, in the wilderness of the Swindon job market, is an El Dorado of a career just waiting for me. The Lost Warehouse. I'm still searching the rainforests of Darkest Wiltshire for it, machete in hand, coiled whip hanging from my belt. Occaisionally though I come across strange tribes and alien cultures in this urban jungle, and the following job description has come to me attention... Large Utility Company looking for a Technical Architect with a strong background in Data Warehousing and Business Intelligence. Responsibilities will include - Application Landscape definition and maintenance. Application Roadmaps (for sustainability and strategic direction). Product evaluation and selection. Assurance of projects and programmes against the Architecture and any appropriate Patterns or Solutions. Providing recommendations based on evaluation at various levels of the organisation up to Board level The Technical Architect will be required to resolve or oversee the resolution of very highly complex, high business impact, technological, commercial and social problems. Identify the business impact of architecture implementation including the anticipated business benefits and costs and the risks and consequences of failure. Take account of the organisations business plans and IS Strategy and Policy in developing and implementing Standards and Patterns to ensure compliance. Identify Infrastructure and Security Implications in projects. Pursue up-to-date knowledge of business relevant emerging technology trends and developments in the areas of Application Architecture, through direct supplier contacts and attendance at conferences and seminars as well as reading relevant research and get involved in the investigation of specific technologies, products, methods and techniques as required to assess their potential benefit to the business and their role in the evolution of the IS Applications Strategy Experience needed The Technical Architect will need extensive experience of Data Warehouse and Business Intelligence. Experience of Applications, Connectivity, and Data Architecture across a broad range of platforms and products. Experience of development methodologies and large programmes or portfolios of development initiatives. Can you imagine the boss of a company like that? "Ahh, Mr Caldrail, finally made it work this morning? What was it this time, the rope bridge over the river went down?" No no. I have implemented amorphous time selection in the work place with a view to targeted arrivals and business sensitive initiation of labour assignments, with constructive initiation and resolution of working patterns that take adavantage of working time regulations and company policy that comply with management forecasts, leading to succesful resolution of current strategies and production schedules. "I'm wet." Doctor of the Week Doctors have been getting into the papers recently. There was one guy who said the risk of falling off a horse was worse than dying in a car accident. He got pilloried for that wisdom of course, but now there's another attention seeking doctor who says that there should be a chocolate tax to dissuade us from expanding our waistlines. Oh great. Now apologies to women are going to cost more. Sheesh.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_glass

I remember a tv program that showed an archaeologist pulling glass out of the mud and showing the blue colour, telling the presenter it was typical of roman glass. Whereas I don't doubt 'clear' glass was possible, that wouldn't mean it was cheap or commonly available. I got the impression from the program, right or wrong, that blue glass was used for windows - which implies a wealthier inhabitant able to afford glass to begin with.

Nine people a day in Great Britain die from road accidents. Thats a startling statistic, but one thats being used by all sorts of people to persecute car drivers. The man behind the wheel is the villain. He (or she) knocks down pedestrians, fills our roads with stationary queues, and threatens the climate. The emotive interviews with grieving parents of those killed on the road are understandable but to some extent it's exploitive journalism. Life after all isn't safe, despite the cossetting nature of modern society. You cannot legislate accidents out of existence because so many incidents are the result of poor decision making and observation. We have accidents, therefore, because we're human beings and that means we're not perfect. That doesn't excuse willful decisions to drive in a manner liable to cause accidnts, but then, the legislation to deal with that already exists. Here's something that might put it all in perspective. Nine people a day might die on British roads, but more than that die from falling over. Think I'd better stop telling jokes, I could be made responsible for a mass atrocity. Hypocrisy of the Week Not so long ago, Swindon Council got praise from some quarters for abandoning the speed camera. Sorry, I should have called it a safety camera shouldn't I? Well, I 've written before about the ridiculous notion that cameras stop accidents. They don't. In fact, the whole point of Swindon Council removing their support for the camera schemes was because these cameras were a means to use drivers as cash cows. So what do they do? They double parking charges in car parks and street schemes. Having discovered their revenue from speeding fines has dwindled, they seek to restore their profits by targeting law-abiding motorists instead.

Come to mention it, I don't know anything about these sybilline revelations at all. Anyone care to enlighten? Are any of them still in existence?

Yep, it's that day of the fortnight. Time to sign on. As it's my number one social engagement this week I thought I'd be fashionably late, and as expected, there was a crowd of bored dole seekers waiting in long queues. Eventually I got called forward, and waited in the secondary queue inside the office. I just love this system of theirs. One queue after another. In fact, the woman who dealt with my claim wasted no time. "Have you managed to apply for any jobs?" She asked me quizzically. Cheeky woman, of course I have. Satisfied I had the nerve to brazen it out (though I have actually applied for the jobs!) she had me sign the docket and that was it. I was in and out of the desk in less than five minutes. On the way out I saw one attractive young lady, looking slightly exotic, downbeat, but not tarty. To be fair, everyone else noticed her too, and I heard the attentive security guard ask where she came from. Brazil. Brazil? She's come all the way from South America to sign on the dole in rainy Swindon? She breezed past me without a second look. Hey, am I losing my charismatic celebrity aura? Or is it because the security guards get all the chicks in the dole office? Actually, I think its more to do with being too poor. Just my suspicion there. Queue of the Week It seems Wacko Jacko is back. Michael Jackson has left his chimp at home in fairyland and has come to London with a spotted hanky over his shoulder full of merchandising to play his last ever comeback. Am I missing the point? What sort of comeback is it if you only mean to play a few gigs in London and hang up the white glove afterward? Well it seems an astute move as all his old fans are coming out of the cupboard and queuing for tickets. I hope they see a good thriller. No really, us idiots get a bad press and its about time he got out more.

Wow... Aberwystywth joins the 21st century... Hey guys, guess what? Thatcher got voted out. Thought you might like to catch up current events.

Just now I saw a headline that a drag queen has been sentenced for sending a hoax bomb threat to a warehouse I used to work at. Quite right, but it did amuse me. Some years back the warehouse manager, DG, left her briefcase in the foyer and as an unattended suspicious package, the premises were evacuated and the army bomb disposal called in. Well, she eventually got the boot. She also presided over another large operation that went bust later. I knew I was right about her. Am I allowed to be smug? The problem of course is that ordinary people have suffered because of her failures. Then again, aren't they the same people who made my life difficult? Gloating over peoples misfortune isn't really admirable I suppose but since they gloated over mine, and still do, I'll sit back, arms folded, and smile annoyingly. Splat of the Week A British politician, Lord Mandleson, got a faceful of green gunge courtesy of airport protestors. This was merely a publicity stunt by a group of like-minded people who don't want airports, airliners, or any form of aerial tranportation to interfere or impose itself on their chosen lifestyles. I can understand to some extent. The plans to expand Heathrow are deeply problematic and disturbing for those pushed off their land by bulldozers. Thing is though, most of these people throwing gunge and sitting on runways aren't threatened by these expanion plans are they? Like nuclear disarmers, globally warm protestors, animal righters, and whatever other group is fighting the good fight, they just want a cause to fight for. Something to give their lives meaning. Years ago after a performance in Bristol, a member of the audience approached me and asked how to join the animal rights movement. I hadn't any idea and told him so, but the impression I got was that he wasn't a caring animal loving type person. More like someone who wanted to cause some trouble and needed a good cause as an excuse, to make it right. Somehow, I kinda think gunge in someones face isn't really going to change the need for more runways, is it?

No, he's not brutally honest, he's just blunt. All businessmen talk out of their rear to a greater or lesser degree - business is a controlled con-market after all.

Well.. I must be honest, the journalist hadn't a clue who I was (philistine!) and simply chose me at random to talk about issues of the growing dole queue. But, interviewed I was, so who knows, perhaps I'll have to change my forum name to Backontherail? Stand by for impact, World, here I come.... ...Until my next obstacle that is. The world is a big place after all. It does tend to get in the way. I was pleased to note that Simon Cowell, my biggest rival in the celebrity stakes, may well lose a

Yesterday I ran out of space on my job search card so it's down to the job center to ask for another. As expected there was a mass of bemused dole claimants milling around while harassed security guards do their best to sound important. Ok, here we go... I brush past the lines of ex-car manufacturers and single mothers to confront a guard. Can I have one of these please? "Wots that then?" Its a job search record. I need a new one. "Why do you need a new one?" Ok. take a close look at exhibit A. One secondhand job search booklet, all filled in... you see? I ran out of space. Now I need a new one. "Uhhhh... Right.... Wait there mate." He strolled off to find out from someone else what I was talking about. He returned fully informed, smiles all round, confident that his efficient security guard image was still secure. On the way out I was stopped by some guy with a notepad. My celebrity instincts immediately gave me that tingly feeling. He introduced himself as a journalist from the local rag, and asked would I mind being interviewed? Try to look calm and disinterested Caldrail. Stay cool. It's only a local newspaper... Security Guard of the Week Definitely goes to the fat guy wandering around the library. If ever a man was unaware of his own insignificance, its him. The reason being he gives anyone who asks him a question a full ten minute lecture on what to do, where to do it, how it should be done, who to do it with. I get the impression he doesn't get out much at nights.

What a morning. As per my usual ritual, I wander down to the library to log on and contact the world out there. I know there is one. I visited it a couple of times. As it happened, I was furst up the stairs - the security guard was craeless and opened the gate two minutes early. Right then, choose a PC, enter my number.... password... Number 19 in the queue to log on. What?!!! I amuse myself by tapping on the desk. Wow... Sir Alan Sugar is sat in the cubicle next to me. Seriously, the resemblance is uncanny. At last the counter reaches my number and a message pops up. No concurrent reservations allowed. Is someone pulling my leg? Is there a group of librarians hid behind a shelf nearby tittering to each other at my frustration? Apparently not, but it seems everyone else is having the same trouble. There's a line of people approaching the help desk and the poor woman dealing with enquiries is repeating the same message of helplessness again and again. She advises me to try again. Number... Password... Oooh look, I'm number 33 in the queue. I pull a book on english law from the shelf and sit down for a read. You can tell how bored I am. As I go through the intricacies of working time regulations, a shadow looms over me. A young lad says "Hey you on that?" After his masterful display of ettiquette I don't even bother looking up. I simply respond No. He wanders off in search of fashionable media. A livbrarian under considerable stress happens to walk by and I flag him down. What about my internet time, mate? I've spent most of it logging on? He assures me I'll get it back. Phew. Hang on... My number is up again. At last I log on. I reach this site and begin an entry on my blog... Huh? The screen is logging out! Not again? Yes, again. I enter my number... password... Number 9 in the queue.... Queue of the Week back in the good old days of dole queues, you took your card to a dusty office with a lino floor and queued up to sign. That was it. Then they introduced personal interviews, clean open office space, and soft furnishings. Now the numbers of unemployed are forcing the clock back. Henceforth I must attend a signing slot with a bunch of others, shepherded in under guard and processed without undue conversation. Sign here... Go away. Just like old times. I did see this morning that some expert predicts job losses are over their worst. Ho ho ho.

Americans have a notorious reputation for ignorance of the world outside their own country. If you're american and reading this, I wouldn't worry unduly. Most of the younger british population doesn't have a clue either. In any case, if you don't know where darfur is, just follow the sound of shooting or perhaps chinese freight consignments.

Woo Hoo! Something else I can put on my CV (resume). Cheers Doc.

Not necessarily. Humans and dogs got off to a good start because we had reason to co-operate in prehistory, plus humans have been breeding dogs and changing the species for thousands of years. We don't breed chimps the same way nor do we have any use for them except to sell teabags (re: Tetley's ads of the 70's) or as daiper consumers. Well, they would, but so far chimps haven't shown much interest in supermarkets,burger vans, and indian resteraunts, so I suspect the competition isn't really a factor. Also, even in Africa, human beings moved out of the neighborhood to rear domestic animals and crops rather than the nuts and stuff chimps prefer. I suspect the chimps don't have your fashion sense Neph. Maybe in the US you're lucky, but the the european anthropoids have certainly killed my job prospects Well, I think it has more to do with temperament. Chimps have been observed fighting border wars between groups and some of the violence they commit in the wild is truly shocking. Truth is, they ain't that different from us, and their nasty underside is something we'd prefer not to recognise.

Last night, during the small hours, I went to the back of the house to answer natures call. Whilst there, I became aware of a loud conversation between a group of lads out the back. The car park is sometimes used by passers-by so I didn't think too much of it... until I realised they weren't walking past. Open the window... Just a tad... They were standing beside the corpse of my Eunos Cabriolet discussing events leading up to its abandonment. Not just the car either. Informed opinion was exchanged regarding my past. Well this is curious.... Yep, agree with that... Nope, thats rubbish... I never did that!.... Oh now really, you're making it up!.... What a strange sensation. It was like switching on the tv and watching a panel of experts reviewing your latest release and elements of your personal life that got into the papers. It seems I'm more famous than I thought. Pride of Swindon Award Apparently our local newspaper is now looking for the bestest person in Swindonland. You know the sort of thing. Rescuing puppies from raging inferno's, helping old ladies across motorways, killing dragons, climbing tall towers to kiss princess's, and so on. Does digging a way through fifty or more yards of thick ice on a hillside path count? Please tell me it does. I would like late night revellers to discuss something more meaningful than my fall into poverty.

It isn't just mistreatment that does that. Dogs are social animals like us. That means we tend to get along because dogs understand the human owner is the alpha pack member and co-operates... most of the time... Problems arise when the dog thinks it can dominate, or it misunderstands the signals its getting, or simply does what it always does but at an inappropriate moment.

Its the human need to anthropomorphise everything. We give boats, cars, trains, and planes names and personalities (usually female I notice) and entertainment abounds in imagery of animals with human expressions, motives, and emotions. We know how to speak human - most of us are pretty lousy at speaking animal. Chimps unfortunately are very endearing creatures when young but they do tend to get aggressive in their mature years. Coupled with an upper body strength that dwarfs our own typical human being, its something to be wary of. Personally I agree with you Neph - dressing animals in human clothes isn't as cute or funny as some people think, but then there's a lot of people who like to laugh at others especially when the object of their mirth isn't aware of it.