Diurinal Journal Of 7/29/05
Entry posted by Gaius Octavius
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Gentles:
As I suffer Early Onset Alzheimer's, I can't recall if I told you that we are joined by a fourth brother. Stiffed me on the subscription, so he is a natural for this collection. His biography runs thus:
He parks his boots in some god forsaken place called miSHH-a-gin. This land mass sits on a giant toad stool. Its main city rests on a humongous salt mine. He may be a closet neo-con. Is a devotee of Air America and Al Franken in particular. He is not ethnically acceptible. A tea-totaler. He garners his lucre as a door-to-door pretzel monger, which, in reality is a cover for his night time job as arms supplier to the militias. Nothing with four legs or two wings is safe from his perditions. As the father of three unmarried beautiful young ladies, he is an advocate for the passage of the 35th Amendment which simply states: "Nanny government shall bear the truck for all wedding receptions." Has no facility with language.
As the self appointed governor of our forum, it will be my burden to re-transmit to all, your 'Letters to the Editor', so long as they are scurrilous, scandalous and slanderous; obscure, oblique and opaque. Since I don't know how to excise any matter of a personal nature (yet), use your noggin.
Recently one of you questioned my sanity. Another accused me of philological criminality. The last threatened to use medical terminology on me. To the first, I tender one half the victory sign and an obscene Brooklyn arm motion. For the second, hail me in front of your Peregrine Praetor. See if I give a fig. The Shade of Cicero will defend me. For the last (a philogynist, if ever there was one), whose threat was the slightest cut of all, I have spent more time with physicians, yourself included (albeit, inebriated), than you did at Quack School - sober. So there!
Whilst all y'all were monitoring The Gospel According to lush rimflower, I was educated by Public Radio International. It seems that after your ancestors ravaged the Glorious Roman Empire and brought on the Black Plague, some monarch decided to bathe at least once a month. Did it for three months and promptly became a corpse. People wore the same clothes for years. One lout, after only two years, announced that he would bathe and change clothes. Crossed the River Styx. It was the law then, that, before emptying ones chamber pot on the tetes of the unwary peasants below, one had to shout: "Watch out below!"
I was also informed that Barry Bonds, Giambi, et al., (as to any records they set as a result of their pill popping), are safe from persecution. Soon genetically modified athletes will enter on the stage and eclipse these records with ease.
The philological crime of yester morrow, committed by a head line caster on the tube, was: "...downed power lines down...."
The rot-gut has been replenished, so I am off for a libation.
Per Aspera Ad Astra,
Gaius
SPQR
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