Yes, it's that time of year again.For those who haven't noticed, we're fast approaching christmas, the traditional time of year for falling drunk off railway station platforms, smiling at people you've never met before, and finding out that someone is using your home as a convenience store. It's also the traditional time for pretending we believe that some old fat guy is going slip down the chimney and leave those perfects gifts for all the family that the television adverts have assiduously persisted in showing us.

All I get in my chimney is nesting pigeons. As for dreaming of a white christmas, it's raining out there. A lot. The car park behind the min shopping street is one shallow river at the moment.

If I sound like a party pooper I apologise, but then, if you want to enjoy yourself, why do you need an excuse? Why should we need a tradition dating long before Britain was invented? It's not as if Christmas is all that traditional anyway. So therefore to make life bearable and fun, I present my production of....

Caldrail's Inevitable Nativity

Joseph - Good evening barkeep. A room for the night please for me and my pregnant wife.

Barkeep - Sorry. All booked solid.

Joseph - Look, I've tried every other inn in town. Couldn't you squeeze us in somewhere? Please?

Barkeep - Sorry mate, but you should have booked ahead. We've been advertising on our website for months.

Mary - Aaaah!

Barkeep - You all right miss?

Mary - No I'm not all right you idiot! I've going to have a baby.

Customer - Hey! This a barroom. No babies allowed. She shouldn't be in here either.

Joseph - Do you mind? My wife is going to give birth to the son of God!

Barkeep - Son of.. God? Wow... We've never had a visit from a divine presence before. I have to admit mate, you're not exactly impressive.

Joseph - No not me you fool, it's... Well... It's a long story. Isn't there a barn or a stable where we can sleep overnight?

Mary - .It's going to look a bit ridiculous if the son of God is born on a barroom floor.

Barkeep - Yeah, okay, out back. Mind the animals and don't make a mess of the straw. I'll send for a midwife. No extra charge.

Joseph - Yes yes yes, thank you. Come dearest. Let's find ourselves a comfy spot in the stable.... Ahh! Here we are. Set yourself down.

Mary - What? Here? There's dung all over the floor, it smells like a cows ass, and you know I'm allergic to pollen.

Joseph - Can we not argue about it now? It's very scenic and this stable will make a wonderful picture in our family album. Oh look, here comes the midwife.

Midwife - You the husband? Out! Get out! Men aren't supposed to be present at childbirth.

Joseph - What? The donkey can stay and I can't?

Midwife - The donkey's more use if we need to pull the baby out.

Joseph - I just want be of some use.

Midwife - Then get a shovel and clear up this dung. Look at this stable. What a mess. Typical bloke. Can't keep a stable tidy.

Joseph - Hang on, this isn't my property.

Midwife - From what I'm told it isn't your child either. Out!

Joseph - (Sigh) Guess I'll just have to wait outside then. Wait.. What's that shaft of light? Why do I hear a heavenly choir?

Angel of the Lord - Just me mate. Sorry to bother you, this being a private family matter and all, but his nibs decided that if that baby is going to be important, he needs to start at an early age. So I got roped in as the celebrity host.

Joseph - So my child really is the son of God?

Angel of the Lord - Yeah. Sneaky so and so, isn't he? Worse than a milkman. Hallo, who are these three suspicious characters?

First King - We are three kings of orient far. We have followed the guiding star to be here, tonight, in the presence of this most solemn and majestic occaision.

Second King - What a journey. No end of hassle. I swear that's the last time I go chasing astronomical phenomena.

Third King - Yeah, and if we wait here too long, our people will rebel and install new transitional governments.

Mary - Hoo hoo hooo hooo unnnnngh AAAAAARGH!

Midwife - Keep pushing...

Joseph - You all right in there?

Donkey - EEEEEEH-AWWWWWW

Jesus - (slap) Waaaaaaaaaaagh! Waaaaaaagh! Waaaagh! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

Joseph - Huh?

Midwife - It's a boy.

Angel of the Lord - Congratulations Joseph. Here, have a cigar.. Wait a minute... Midwife, did you just slap the son of God?

Midwife - Don't tell me how to do my job Angel. Your wife's fine, Joseph. Baby's healthy, except for a strange inexplicable glow, but I'm sure that will wear off in a few hours. Right, now about my fee....