In A Land Far Far Away...
Entry posted by caldrail
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With all the spare time I seem to be afflicted with as an unemployed person it's inevitable that watch a bit more television than usual. So far I've avoided the mind numbing tedium of Countdown (never the same after Carol Voorderman left) and apart from Shaun The Sheep, childrens tv doesn't fill my spiritual emptiness.
However, lately there's been a series of japanese animation films. They're all pretty similar in style. Slightly surreal, always western in cultural depiction despite the oriental language, and strangely absorbing. Most are actually pretty dire as stories. There was one about sky pirates that ought to be used for prisoner interrogation. Fifteen minutes of that and you'd reveal every top secret you 've ever heard of.
There was one that caught my attention - Kiki's Delivery Sercvvice. Not because of the story, which was pure sugar and very cringweworthy, but the background. It was a sort of 1930's France in feel. It felt oddly familiar. Those of you who've read the Tintin Comics will know what I mean - the direct influence of real world places and objects makes the cartoon so much more reali no matter how simplistic the drawing is.
The rendition of the town was very appealing. I wanted to take that tram ride along the wide cobbled boulevard where the wealthy people lived, or stroll down that narrow winding road between the shops. Shame it's only imaginary really. Maybe that's because I'm getting a little bored of red brick Swindon.
Apologies To Monty Python
A tourist enters North Korea.
Tourist:: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The official does not respond.)
T:'Ello, Miss?
Official: What do you mean "miss"?
T:I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
T:Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about your leader who I tried to visit not half an hour ago from this very office.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, Kim Jong Il...What's,uh...What's wrong with him?
T:I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with him!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
T:Look, matey, I know a dead politician when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable fella, the Kim Jong Il, isn'he, ay? Beautiful clothing!
T:The clothing don't enter into it. He's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
T:All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Kim! I've got a lovelyweapons of mass destruction for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
T:No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
T:Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
T:(yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO KIM!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes Kim Jong Il out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws him up in the air and watches him plummet to the floor.)
T:Now that's what I call a dead politician.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
T:STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Korean politicians stun easily, major.
T:Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That person is definitely deceased, and when I visited him not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that his total lack of movement was due to bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged speech.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the rice paddies.
T:PININ' for the RICE PADDIES?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: Kim Jong Il prefers kippin' on his back! Remarkable leader, isn't he, squire? Lovely uniform!
T:Look, I took the liberty of examining that person when I got him home, and I discovered the only reason that he'd been sitting on his throne in the first place was that he'd been NAILED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course he was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed him down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart withhis bare hands, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
T:"VOOM"?!? Mate, this bloke wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through him! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
T:'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the throne! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-POLITICIAN!!
(pause)
O: Well, I'd better replace him, then.
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