I am by nature a morning person. Getting the work done first and leaving the rest of the day to relax or take care of life's little obstacles comes very naturally to me, even if I did oversleep a couple of days ago. One little obstacle occured yesterday. The phone rang.

Normally all I get is an email telling me how sorry they are that the rest of the known uiniverse is far more suitable for that position than I am. It's a cross I have to bear. A phone call generally means an opportunity exists. So when the guy on the other end started asking questions with relation to a job application I'd made on his website, of course I was enthusiastic.

Very quickly he dashed my hopes. My previous education meant nothing. Experience was worthless. Employers were looking for qualifications. No, worse than that.

"If you haven't got the right qualifications they don't want to know" He told me, "It's a dog eat dog world out there. You could be unemployed for five, ten years. I 've seen it and it isn't pretty."

Does he think I live on a different planet? I'm well aware of how tough the job market is. As it happens I'm also aware of how wothless all those obscure certificates can be. Besides, I have plenty of transferable skills. That's been drummed into me over the last few years by every course I've been on. I do try to be positive about finding work.

"Yeah but as it happens we've got courses for people with your attitude."

My... attitude?.... Now I'm getting irate. I'm not doing all this jobsearching stuff for nothing and as it happens I do consider myself concientious. He went on about getting a qualification in Typing Entries In Databases.

Is there one? I know there's a lot of obscure certificates floating around out there but I seriously doubt another is going to make all the difference. The prospect of spending hundreds of pounds for more toilet paper doesn't appeal to me. More to the point, this chap was trying to persuade me to on the basis that I was in some way a useless ignorant loser doomed to failure.

Yeah? Really? And how much commission is this guy going to earn now that I've hung up on him?

Another Tough Sale

On my way home ysterday I passed the old college car park. You see a variety of cars parked there, and not always the commonplace mobility buggies and school taxi's. Sometimes prestige cars rest their weary pistons there. Or vans bearing advertisements for traders you have absolutely no incentive to trade with. Yesterday however I saw something else.

Normally customised vehicles fall into one of a few categories. Usually it's a bog standard car with as much of the options list as the salesman can persuade the driver to part money for. Occaisionally it's a bog standard car with a special paint job, such as that Aston Martin with a naked lady painted along the side, or perhaps even the Porsche 911 deliberately painted in wacky grafitti. Sometimes it's a piece of lovingly created automotive redesign, worked on for years as a labour of love and an excuse for divorce. Or simply just a youngster who thinks a spoiler and shallow tires makes him better than everyone else.

But this? This was customisation on a whole new level of bodging. I have no idea what car was underneath all the added fibreglass and matt black paint job, which included red sharks teeth around the grill. It was a real in-the-flesh Mad Max special. I'm sure the owner is chuffed to bits with his ride and cruises around town with a big grin. At least until he tries to sell it.