Ladies, Gentelemen, and Swindon Residents, I have gathered you here on the Blog Express to inform you that something terrible has happened. First, let us look at the clues.

Clue No1 - We've run out of August.

Clue No2 - All the librarians are telling us how much they enjoyed their summer holiday.

Clue No3 - An increasingly blustery wind.

Clue No4 - Weather forecasts predicting heavy rain on a regular basis.

Clue No5 - Slightly shorter days and less urge to get out of bed.

Clue No6 - Brown leaves on the ground, or at least they are when the wind stops blustering.

Clue No7 - A sudden absence of children.

Clue No8 - Water dribbling down the windows in huge bucketloads.

You see? The facts are incontestable. We are into September, leading to a possible Autumn at any moment. One of you already knows this. That person is the guilty party, and will soon be uncovered.

The Alleyway Uncovered

One of Swindon's ancient monuments, the long lost alleyway, has been uncovered and restored to its former glory. It really does make quite a change to be able to see along its length from my back window. All due credit to local residents for taking the time and trouble to clear away the jungle and all the remnants of former civilisations left lying along it, but sadly, they didn't find my stolen Eunos cabriolet.

Ostrich Alert

We in the west sometimes find eastern europe as colorful or even bizarre in some cases. Michael Palin delighted in pointing at oddities in his series about europe, popping here and there to film some arcane gathering in the mountains or heavy metal singers married to princesses, and so forth. We regularly get odd news items about Russia's Vladimir Putin, the ex-KGB man who turned underwater martial arts archaeologist besides running the country.

Russia has outdone itself. I see a news item telling the russian people to watch out for a dangerous albino ostrich. Obviously a KGB experiment from the Cold War Era that has gone horribly wrong.

That said, a few years ago (before my cars were vandalised or stolen) I popped down to a local wildlife park and wandered around enjoying the sight of exotic animals like anyone else would. It's a shame that these animals are contained in secure accomodation, but I guess leopards let loose might be a bit more dangerous than a few urban foxes. And it must be said, with animals in the wild under pressure, at least these zoos and parks help keep species alive.

Then I got to the ostrich field. Immediately one bird, a massive flightless bruiser of an ostrich, took an instant dislike to me and waited for the fence to go away so it could chase me. See what I mean? Sometimes fences aren't so bad. Luckily for me this ostrich wasn't a super-intelligent highly trained KGB agent, so it merely made loud noises and looked very scary.

And The Guilty Party Is?

Well actually I'm not sure. It is remotely possible that the escaped russian ostrich has infiltrated a weather control station in the arctic circle and is currently holding the world to ransom for huge sums of money and a mountain top palace to protect it from the floods it intends to release on mankind.

I am obliged of course to suggest that the CIA are responsible. Obviously it's some insidious plot with no clear or sensible motive, but generally speaking, the CIA accusers aren't clear or sensible either.

Then again, it might be an attempt by the british government to persuade foreign nationals that illegal immigration to Britain is not going to be the warm hearted and bountiful experience they thought it would be. When you consider the dusty war-torn places they leave behind, it's no wonder our weather does its best each year to dissuade them. You see, that's why we have weather reports. Everyone knows it rains in England. Where's the need to be told about it?

So my advice is watch out for albino ostriches claiming to be umbrella salesmen sneaking into the country. After all, they have reinforcements waiting at a wildlife park near where I live. At last we discover the real truth of 2012. Forget aliens, natural catastrophes, astronomical events, or the wrath of god. Next year ostriches take over the world.

I would welcome my new feathered masters on the grounds they could hardly do worse than our democratically elected leaders but unfortunately they don't seem to like me very much.