How could any sane mortal resist a weekend of sword & sorcery on television? Furry underwear and long hair. Incredibly pathetic villains and the violent comedians who thwart their evil schemes. A part of me has some masochistic enjoyment of the genre. The rest of me cringes at the sheer awfulness of the films that portray these invented worlds.

Okay, there are one or two that aren't so bad. Armie's Conan The Barbarian retains a sort of immature exuberance. I still watch Red Sonja for it's visual uniqueness and triumph of energy over talent. Actually, in both films, it's the humour they get right. Having struggled with Kevin Sorbo's easy going one-liners in Kull The Conqueror, almost like James Bond with a long sword, it really was a pleasant suprise to watch Brigitte Nielson submit to Arnie (oh come on, we all knew she was going to...)

My regard for those films probably results from an involvement in role playing games since I was a teenager. Sadly Brigitte Nielsen didn't submit to any of us and of I were honest, didn't turn up to a session at all, never mind in furry swimwear. Yes. I too played Dungeons & Dragons. Shame on anyone who hasn't.

All The Table's A Stage

I sort of stumbled across role playing games when I saw some odds and ends my friends left lying around. What's that? D&D? For some reason or other I found myself running games as a referee from the start. Erm... What am I supposed to do?...Without understanding anything about the finer art of saving throws and armour class, I clumsily began by describing that first chamber among many. I ended up building entire worlds.

Only a select handful of people have ever visited Goddomir, the fantasy world I put together. As a referee I had the luxury of acting the part of everyone the players encountered. Of course it's been a long time since I've taken to that informal stage around the table and played these characters to an audience. They've become long lost friends in a way. I remember them well.

Okay, I'm done.

Believe This

Some people seem to think that D&D or other similar games are some sort of secret demon worshipping cult. Pardon me? A bunch of friends gather for an evening of dealing deadly retribution to evil, greed, and self aggrandisement. Certainly no worse than christianity, is it?

Also on the 'hard tio believe' list was the news that a hypersonic test plane crashed into the pacific. Apparently this modest little racer does 22 times the speed of airliners, although in this case, only when pointed vertically downward. Claiming we can get to Australia in an hour aboard a passenger carrying version leaves me with a bit of a worry. Clearly half the delay in getting to foreign destinations is getting stuck in holding patterns whilst the queue of arriving airliners waits for a turn on the runway. Not any more. Back to the drawing board guys.

Also going back to the drawing board are Walkers Crisps, who have dropped footballer Gary Lineker from their advertising. In the beginning his unquenchable hunger and greed for Walkers Crisps was almost amusing, but once he sang on television, I knew it would all end in tears. After pushing Lionel Richie through a plate glass window too. Perhaps the only reason to board a hypersonic jet would be to snatch a crisp from Gary Lineker and make your escape. Now there's no need to plunge headlong into the pacific. He's been ditched in an effort to save mankind after sixteen years playing Gary The Unavoidable. Sixteen years? No way!

Finally our revered leader is rallying troops for the counterattack on teenage gangs. Not before time I have to say, though there are other targets that should be considered, such as the rotten little scoundrel who's been trying to burgle my flat. You can see his nicotine stains on the front door where he's been pressing his weight against it. I know that you see, because despite the attempted diagnosis of my doctor, I don't smoke.

An englishmans home is his castle. The temptation to draw swords and defend it is pretty strong right now. What about that, Mr Cameron? Are you going to get tough with the looters that aren't rioting?