Plan B From Russia
Do my eyes deceive me? Is Hollywood really planning to make a big screen blockbuster movie about the alien invasion we all helped to fend off in the eighties? Yes, Space Invaders, the most pixellated enemy of mankind, is about to change tactics and emerge upon our cinemas near you.
Am I supposed to be excited? If this is an attempt by Hollywood to create a new film rather than just another sequel, it's failed utterly. I mean, how many times has Earth been invaded by aliens? We've been fending off all manner of alien threats since Plan B From Outer Space. Mostly they make a mess when they get here so a film about hitting them with little coloured squares whilst still approaching would be different, if only puppetmaster Gerry Anderson hadn't already fended off alien invaders as they flew toward earth in his series UFO.
Well, my spies have delved into the secret offices of Space Invaders - The Movie to bring you this slightly not real spoiler...
RADAR MAN - Sir? There's something on radar
GENERAL - That can't be son. I haven't been informed
RADAR MAN - Look sir. There. Lots of (pause) blips.
GENERAL - My god.
RADAR MAN - What are they sir?
GENERAL - Pixels, son, lots of pixels. Call the Pentagon
RADAR MAN - Yes sir (pause) President on the line sir
PRESIDENTS VOICE - What is it General?
GENERAL - Pixels, Mister President. Arriving in force. I can see three (pause) No, four lines of them.
PRESIDENTS VOICE - You know what to do, General.
GENERAL - Yes SIr. Those pixels don't stand a chance (puts down phone) Okay, son, open fire.
RADAR MAN - But Sir, we can't lock our weapons onto them. They keep scrolling.
GENERAL - Oh my god.
And Now For Plan B
Not to be outdone by the American film industry, Russia is planning to send the Olympic flame into space. Deputy Prime Minister Zhukov says "Previously the cosmic peaks of sports records were always just a metaphor but now we have the real opportunity to send the symbol of peace, friendship, unity and excellence beyond earth's frontiers."
Well I'm sure the enemy alien pixels will realise we just want a sporting competition and not all out war after all. Plus, if they hurry, they might receive tickets to the games. Who needs a square jawed hero with white teeth and a very, very big gun when you can shoot flames into space instead?
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