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Plan B From Russia


caldrail

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Do my eyes deceive me? Is Hollywood really planning to make a big screen blockbuster movie about the alien invasion we all helped to fend off in the eighties? Yes, Space Invaders, the most pixellated enemy of mankind, is about to change tactics and emerge upon our cinemas near you.

 

Am I supposed to be excited? If this is an attempt by Hollywood to create a new film rather than just another sequel, it's failed utterly. I mean, how many times has Earth been invaded by aliens? We've been fending off all manner of alien threats since Plan B From Outer Space. Mostly they make a mess when they get here so a film about hitting them with little coloured squares whilst still approaching would be different, if only puppetmaster Gerry Anderson hadn't already fended off alien invaders as they flew toward earth in his series UFO.

 

Well, my spies have delved into the secret offices of Space Invaders - The Movie to bring you this slightly not real spoiler...

 

RADAR MAN - Sir? There's something on radar

 

GENERAL - That can't be son. I haven't been informed

 

RADAR MAN - Look sir. There. Lots of (pause) blips.

 

GENERAL - My god.

 

RADAR MAN - What are they sir?

 

GENERAL - Pixels, son, lots of pixels. Call the Pentagon

 

RADAR MAN - Yes sir (pause) President on the line sir

 

PRESIDENTS VOICE - What is it General?

 

GENERAL - Pixels, Mister President. Arriving in force. I can see three (pause) No, four lines of them.

 

PRESIDENTS VOICE - You know what to do, General.

 

GENERAL - Yes SIr. Those pixels don't stand a chance (puts down phone) Okay, son, open fire.

 

RADAR MAN - But Sir, we can't lock our weapons onto them. They keep scrolling.

 

GENERAL - Oh my god.

 

And Now For Plan B

Not to be outdone by the American film industry, Russia is planning to send the Olympic flame into space. Deputy Prime Minister Zhukov says "Previously the cosmic peaks of sports records were always just a metaphor but now we have the real opportunity to send the symbol of peace, friendship, unity and excellence beyond earth's frontiers."

 

Well I'm sure the enemy alien pixels will realise we just want a sporting competition and not all out war after all. Plus, if they hurry, they might receive tickets to the games. Who needs a square jawed hero with white teeth and a very, very big gun when you can shoot flames into space instead?

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Alien invasion films are very popular now. After two movies recently targeted Los Angeles (I thought all disasters must happen to New York !?!) now there is a TV series - Falling Skies. Not surprisingly giving how things in entertainment changed in the last years, the TV series is better then the feature films and lists more famous people (Spielberg) But better then those awful movies does not mean great, the series is too patriotic and religious for me. Still, people who like the idea of a citizen army may enjoy it.

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Yeah, that's a funny thing isn't it? It seems to represent some sort of deep seated psychological need to see heroes of a certain country perform courageously against evil, but in a science fiction context.

 

In effect we have a very medieval style of story - man vs monster - updated for the twenty-first century. The idea of a brave hero against evil hordes is nothing new - that's been a staple of heroic fiction since we invented the fireside - but notice the christian angle in this. It's always civilisation that's under attack. It's alway us versus them. Whereas traditional storytelling is from a third person perspective, very neutral aside from the fact we want the good guy to prevail, with modern storytelling the tird person style is distorted by emotional involvement.

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Look, I'm all for the aliens attacking LA. Let's face it...I think they run SoCal anyway. I mean, have you seen some of the faces and plastic parts on some of those people there???

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No, those are Mex... I mean, persons not registered as American citizens living in the country illegally. (Phew. Thanks for the warning, Mr Clarkson)

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ROFL Jezzeh only showed you part of the story. Those lot are down there, and up here in NorCal...and not all coming from the same places. No, they aren't the Visitors, it's the movie start and wannabe star crowd. Seriously, look at how tight the skin is on the inhabitants down there! They're alien! It explains so much, I tell you!

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