Before I dropped in on the library this morning, I strolled down to the newsagent to pick up a copy of the local paper. Not only that, I intend to pay for it too. Unlike many of the people who fill the stories in print this week.

There seems to be a lot of theft going on at the moment. Police are looking for one supermarket thief whose grainy security camera image looks worryingly like me on a rainy day, and caught some villains escaping from a raid on another outlet one night. The amazing thing is that the police claim their criminal activity profiling lprepared them for the eventuality. They were waiting, so it seems. Obviouskly why no-one was looking when my car vanished.

The best piece was about a guy who offered a group of soldiers a lift. They gratefully accepted and waited while the bloke attempted to start the car, which turned out not to be his, and a bemused owner returned to find seven equally bemused servicemen sat in his car. Our gallant soldiers quickly apprehended the car thief. Quite right too lads. Well done. I vote for military law in Swindon.

Dogs Life

On the front page though is the sad advertisement for three abandoned dogs who are to be put down imminently. So if you can provide three dogs with loving homes, rush to the phone now, or Loopy, Dolly, and Daisy get it. it's a dog's life.

Pay Up Gentlemen

The news that a former debt collector has decided to adopt a new career as a pub landlord is interesting. I guess the revellers at his establishment won't be getting any free pints. I can imagine some bloke sat at home watching tv with the wife and kids gets an unexpected knock on the door, an insistent 'answer or else' rapid thumping.

"Excuse me? Mr Smith? You drank a pint of lager at the Fox & Hounds last night and neglected to pay for it. That's three pounds or we take the television set."

He might be the only publican able to make a profit in Swindon's depressed social scene. For the record, I didn't drink there a couple of months ago and please could I have my car back.