Oh look. It's the end of the world again. Someone has worked out by complicated mathematical formulae based on a date arrived at by a medieval monk (no doubt according to complex mathematical formulae too) that the end of the world takes place on May 21st.

So if anyone fancies the pretty girl in the office and never had the courage to make a pass, better get a move on. Time is running out. Joking aside though, how you would you spend your last 24 hours on earth?

This subject came up with the guy running the job club this afternoon, which is why I discovered the world was ending. Ignorance is bliss it seems. Anyway, I went into my usual denounciations of idiocy and dishonesty regarding predictions from religious sources.

"Chill, man..." He said in his laid back East Indies style, "Go somewhere, do something, spend your money and have a great time..."

Yes, but that's you. Your character. Not everyone would want to party the rest of their life away.

"Why? Why wouldn't they want to enjoy their last day?"

Because some people would want to come to terms with their existence ending tomorrow.

"Nah." He replied. "No time for that."

Never mind, it's all round to Mr J's house for partying on down until the world suffers an earthquake of biblical proportions and the universe catches fire. Hey, that's what the prediction is. Don't blame me if the party ends like an episode of Thunderbirds.

"Nah. I ain't got any money in the bank anyhow."

People never learn, do they? Ever since mankind discovered religion and learned how to preach, the end of the world was going to happen tomorrow. Except, as we all know, tomorrow never comes. So anyone waiting for the Rapture will just have to wait a bit longer. And the only Tribulation I'm going to get is more bills and red tape.

What is the point of making a successful prediction for the End of the World? I mean, saying 'I told you so' is a waste of time if no-one is left alive to get irritated about it. You can't become rich and famous when the universe goes up in smoke, the dead rise, and Jesus invites the meek to bail out. Hang on a minute... Didn't Jesus say the meek would inherit the Earth? Inherit what? A post-apocalyptic ruin of a world in a universe made of charcoal?

But why am I worrying? A recent study suggests half the bible is a forgery anyway. With a bit of luck, I'll be in the half of the universe that doesn't end in disaster. That said, I live in Swindon. The odds are not good.

The New World

Astronomers are claiming they've discovered a habitable world twenty light years away. As holiday destinations go, it might not be the best. The journey time is going to be somewhat excessive (once in a lifetime visit and return tickets extra), and although the world should be on the cold side, the proportion of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere calls for very, very warm experience. If that wasn't enough, the gravity is about twice as strong as ours, so falling over drunk is twice as likely to get you into Accident & Emergency.

But why bother? The universe is going to burn up in a day or two so we're told. So unless you had the foresight to build your own interstellar ark by now, you might as well cancel your holiday plans.

Another Alien Invasion

I've been warned that aliens are descending on north Swindon shortly. No, that's not some crackpot prediction made by complex mathematical forumlae, but a news item from a charity that mounts these invasions to raise money for good causes. Which is pretty much the excuse used for all invasions since the dawn of Dr Who.

I wish the Daleks well in their attempt to exterminate North Swindon and hope it raises oodles of cash for the good cause.