Among the swathes of destruction wreaked by mother nature recently, America is not denied its fair share of it. That much I can see in the news, although in fairness what it must be like to suffer floods and tornado's is thankfully beyond my experience. I wonder if all this damage to peoples lives is making Americans seek a life elsewhere? I ask that question because of late I've noticed an increasing number of americans in Swindon.

For instance, there was the chap who glanced at me in a sort of curious appraisal as he set about walking his dog. He did look somehow detached in his manner, a sort of wariness about ordinary day to day living, something hard to explain unless you witness it. In fact I only knew he was american because his dog took a dislike to one owned by a local and he spoke to chap quite calmly as both dogs prepared for a life or death struggle for honour, tree-trunks, and the right to sniff butts.

There is of course the jovial young american I know from the museum team. He's just got a job at a golf course. It's like Chevvy Chase made real. Nightmare.

A couple of days ago I wandered up the hill for some fish and chips. That's becoming a rare delicacy to be savoured now that food prices are rising inexorably. So instead of the more usual cod, a fish almost cooked into extinction and almost the cause of a war between us and Iceland in decades past, I decided instead to order haddock. Not so tasty, but cheaper and less damaging to my conciense in these eco-friendly times.

I waited in the queue as the american in front of me struggled with Hong Kong accents. Don't get embarrased mate, we all struggle with that. All part of British society. Eventually he took the meal, seeming a little suspicious that in some way he wasn't the victim of some kind of fiendish oriental ruse to extract more money than he thought was correct. That too is part of british society, my friend.

Ordering My Chips

Whilst I sympathised at his difficulties in negotiating the hazards of a chinese takeaway, I took a fdeep breath and plunged in with the confidence that years of practice give you. haddock and chips please.

"Chips?"

No, haddock and chips.

"One pound forty."

One pound forty? That's astonishingly cheap! Oh hang, he's only serving me with chips. Erm.. Excuse me?... I asked for haddock and chips?

"Hadd..."

Ha-ddock-and-chips. Haaaa-ddddddockkkk.

"Haddock?"

Yes mate. It's a fish you have on your menu. Looks like cod but tastes cheaper.

"Haddock and chips?"

Yes! I knew shouting louder would solve the problem. It's the british way.

Emotional State

Quite by chance I found myself assisting a lady of east european extraction with her computer programming. It's probably best not rto ask why, just that these situations occur sometimes. She was having a problem with little bitmaps and inevitably I started making humorous quips. Those who know me in the flesh will understand that my sense of humour is a test of patience for everyone else.

However, she did seem amused. That, in retrospect, was probably a bad move, because if someone laughs at my jokes it only encourages me further. Eventually she could handle no more. It was a choice between computer programming and hysterics.

"Please stop" She asked, "You are affecting my emotional state"

Yeah? Rock on. I've had half a glass of wine this evening andit's only fair to warn you I'm a little out of control.

Disaster of the Week

My fridge has blown up. Obviously my car was its only friend and now the car is stolen, my fridge committed suicide in despair at facing life with only my jokes for company.