Yesterday was not a high point in my life. My credit card was withdrawn. Such a simple little thing isn't it? Just a small rectangle of plastic that allows you spend some of other peoples money provided you pay it back. You might immediately assume that I got into debt by using one. Not so. They withdrew it because I don't use it enough. Profit and loss you see. Due to a technicality in financial assessment, I can't have a replacement card. The tragedy is that I'm now excluded from buying goods and services on the internet.

Some might wonder why that is such a big deal. Well, having gotten used to buying from the internet, it reduces my choice and freedom somewhat drastically. It reduces me to a second class citizen, unable to sample the wealth of consumerism for myself.

Apart from the expected tantrums and despair, I was appalled to realise how easily the balance in our lives can be disturbed by outside influence. I shouldn't be. I've being saying for a long time that fate is the sum of all decisions and natural forces. Now it seems a decision has gone aganst me. And you know what? My caring sharing bank really isn't interested. It is the bank that llikes to say "We have your money so now get lost".

Help Yourself

A litle while back I was sat in hospital waiting room. Most of those in there with me were older folk, skinny gentlemen who shuffled here and there, obese women women who waddled and leant on a walking stick. All of us silent, bored, simply waiting our turn.

There was a colourful pamphlet on a table that seemed the only refuge from the miserable scene I found myself in. A guide to life, as it turns out, wrapped up in a rainbow coloured cover. The language was quite extraordinary. As an example of selh-help literature it ranks with the most extreme I've ever seen, but it really didn't need the advertisments for Jesus written into it. Something of a confidence trick then. A booklet that suggests not only your life can be better, but that Jesus is responsible for that change.

I threw the document back on the desk. It really was too much to swallow, like food so heavily spiced that it makes you cough and splutter. Having watched Derren Browns recent denounciation of the faith healer industry on television, it all fitted the pattern.

Normally I launch into some sort of criticism of christianity at this point. Truth of the matter is that their tactics to recruit new members aren't entirely unique. Such things are sometimes done by other agencies who want you to do this or that with your life.

Some might argue that it's time to pick up the rainbow coloured pamphlet. Read its content. Digest the message. Turn my life around. I've said before also that christian missionaries are no better than drug dealers. Feeling bad? Have a shot of Jesus up your arm. You'll feel great. Except that I don't think it really does. Like the idea that we can live forever if we worship, the idea that our lives will actiually be any better simply by deciding it's going to be is among the great confidence tricks of religion.

You see we still have the problem that other people can influence whether we're successful or not. Right now I'm under pressure to stop being a personality. Nothing to do with maturity or manners, just that I conform to someone elses expectation. Because I resist, because I want to be me, my life is slowly dismantled so that I become psychologically weaker, and whether the influence is religion, employment, politics, or any other authoritarian group, I will be readjusted. Told what to say, do, and wear. Do I really want to be a robot for the rest of my life?

There's a empty shop not far from where I live. In the window is a large photo montage, an artistic display on the theme of despair and empowerment. Do something strange and extraordinary, it tells us in bold type, so that your life will be better. I'd be happy to Unfortunately it seems too many people don't like me doing that.