With a train magazine in hand I sat in the waiting room at the local surgery. Sooner or later I was going to be called and rather ominously the editorial of this months issue was about dead trains, locomotives lying idle, rusting away. Great. I needed that.

Actually there a certain poignancy. As a child I used to wander along a disused railway, and in the wide open plain of ash beyond the iron railings, row upon row of obselete diesels waited for the cutting torch, reduced to shells or pitiable reminders of the sparkling new motive power units they once were.

"Mister Lord?" The nurse called loudly and somewhat incorrectly. Gah! Why can't people get it right? Well, in fairness she realised her mistake. Having called my correct name out, I was summoned to the consultation room to be turned into a cyborg.

Seriously. I have a gizmo attached to me with rubber pipes and so forth. One chap passed me in the street giving me a strange look, clearly unable to decide what I was. Personally, I feel like a borg from Star Trek. I have been assimilated.

Ooops of the Week

I didn't have much to eat yesterday and a bit late in the day I could bear hunger no more. let's see... What has he got in his cupboardses... Oh yes... The precious Pot Noodle. My precious...

The trouble with these cheap snacks is they are to all intents and purposes devoid of taste, so my usual practice is to add a little flavour and spice. That bottle of pepper sauce will add a nice touch. Just pour in a couple of drops...

You just know what I'm going to say, don't you? Well, you're right. A thick dollop of fiery liquid plopped into the plastic carttn irretrievably. No... No... This can't be happening...

But it was. Gingerly I attempted to taste the polluted pot noodle, unsure whether I would still be alive to be assimilated at the surgery tomorrow. That's spicy. That's spicy. Very spicy... Face crunchingly head shakingly eyes closed spicy. Why do I not feel so huingry all of a sudden? There's a sudden urge to use the last of my bread on a peanut butter sandwich. My last meal for the condemned...