It's monday. Again. Worse than that, it also happens to be Valentines Day, so it's a bit like Friday the 13th but without all that walking under ladders stuff. Tonight is the annual pilgrammage of single males into the pubs and clubs around town, hoping that some girl will catch their eye. It's all a lost cause of course, and I won't bother. What's the point? I'm not going to be able to get to the bar.

All right, I admit it, I was sent a valentine message by a certain lady of my aquaintance. It was a little unexpected, if I were honest, and since the concept of sending little teasers is supposed to be anonymous, I have the perfect excuse to avoid having to name her to all those people for whom other peoples private lives are the main focus of their entertainment.

Am I embarrased? No, of course not. there are those who claim I wouldn't be because I sleep with anything, but there are those who claim I'm too fussy. One taxi driver regards me as 'stuck up', but that's really because I think he's a jerk.

So... What is the truth about Caldrails love life?

The Sex Life of Caldrail

Okay, here we go. It all began ...(Deleted by the Britsh Board of Boring People)... with a white mouse. Oh no, wait, that didn't come out right. I mean.. Erm...

Is It True?

The trouble with us human beings is that we like to present a public image to the world, sometimes even to ourselves. In most cases all we do is embarass ourselves, but boasting about sexual prowess is one aspect of british culture. They're all at it, you know.

Like those two lads last night, having a very loud arguement concerning notches on the bedpost. And also who was going to get their head kicked in. Sex and violence. never fails to draw an audience, even with impromptu street performances.

Then again, I have Punch & Judy, my turbulent neighbours, whose daily comings, goings, tantrum and giggles, and horrendous singing are impossible to avoid. Despite our exchange of threats and warning letters last year, I still don't think they realise I can hear everything they do. I mean, literally, everything. It's a nightmare. It really is. Oh no... They're doing it again... Please stop... I can't handle it any more...

And Finally...

Having survived the trauma of the weekend, I can now go about my daily business. So far I haven't been swamped with marital offers, but it's not midday yet, so there's always hope. The sun is shining. The sky is blue. You thought this was romance? More the fool you.