"He's just a child" Sneered the woman who passed my home yesterday. A child? What an interesting comment. It does of course imply that I'm childish and thus disqualified from ordinary ecveryday respect, but I can't help feeling this is more than random verbal abuse.

Let me explain. This woman is looking down her nose at me for one reason and one reason only. It's got nothing to do with my behaviour as such - there are more than enough childish men around, just ask any woman, we never grow up. It's nothing to do with my hobbies and interests, which are no different to many other peoples. It's nothing to do with my fashion sense, or rather the lack of it. It is entirely to do with conformity.

Yes, I admit it. I do not conform. Because I'm not a shaven haired oaf who smokes, fights outside nightclubs, and vomits on foreign beaches twice a year, I'm somehow below the horizon socially. Actually, given the insult was delivered by a woman, it's probably to do with relationships, or in my case, the lack of them.

Experience has taught me that when women start lambasting me as a lesser species in some way, it's because one of her friends is disappointed that I haven't asked her out. Trouble is, these women assume I'm psychic, that I instinctively know the love lorn lady wants wild passionate sex (and babies... And a wallet... And so on...). They never tell you though. That would be too simple, wouldn't it? Why do women assume that we want to ask them out? Or worse still, that we have some obligation to do so?

Okay, she thinks I'm a child. So what? I think she's an idiot.

Please Don't

The supermarket has definitely adopted the festive spirit. Piped seasonal music played continuously. The lady on the checkout sat with a strangely rigid smile on her face, a sort of contorted 'I'm suffering but I won't show it' sort of resignation. Sure enough, she was on the point of ending it all, having been subjected to christmas hits from the last thirty years played endlessly back to back, a look that said 'Help me, please!'.

Sadly I'm powerless to fight the onslaught of conformity in the festive season, and the music went on. And on. And on. One customer was less concerned about the mindless repitition of former chart hits. She started dancing in the aisle in true party style.

Don't. Just don't.

Giving And Losing

Christmas is a time generally known for a ritual of sending gifts to all those family members and friends you tried to ignore all year. It's expected that we do. It's the conformal thing. Sometimes though fate has other ideas.

The news carried a report last night of a house in Louisiana being carried of by a swollen river. it was an astonishing site as the entire building slid off the bank and floated downstream, rocking gently in the muddy brown torrent. What shocked me though was the laughter from the presenter. I know we sometimes make light of other peoples misfortune, a human trait I sometimes fall prey to myself, but her raucous giggles were a little bit too much. That was someones home floating down the river. All their personal belongings.

Withoutn wishing to be too messianic or sanctimonious about this, I do think the media have encouraged us to laugh at other peoples tragedies as much as give generously when they so decide to take it seriously. The presenter was a little bit excessive in her amusement in my view. She apologised afterward, though I'm not sure whether that was her own idea or a little voice in her earpiece. I'm sure the owners of that property will be pleased she did.

Merry Christmas of the Week

It's that time of year. I sort of knew the game was up when all those decorations were being hung from street lamps in town. it was confirmed by the torture sessions run daily at my local supermarket. Oh, and if there was any doubt, the constant urging of disembodied voices from my television to purchase every possible perfect gift for all the family was an insistent reminder of how many shopping days I had left to conform to socieities expectation of me as a typical single male with purchasing power.

Enough of all that twaddle. Christmas is expensive and boring. But I daresay many of you will be enjoying this once a year chance to be nice to other people, even if a certain woman doesn't want to. So I'll wish you all a merry christmas and I'll see you in the new year.