They're back. Having reconnoitered the library the other day, an even greater horde of little barbarians have stormed the premises in a quest to occupy their equally little minds with positive activity. The teachers hiss and hush to no avail as they spot something that interests them and erupt into frantic efforts to point at something first.

"I'm only good at the world stuff." Said one child as a statement of his intellectual achievement. Well good for you son. They walked past me on the way out with one claiming "I won!".

Glad to see kids are learning to be competitive again after decades of socialist 'Thou Shalt Not Win Nor Lose'. It warms the cockles of my heart that Swindon will be supplying Alan Sugar with contestants for The Apprentice for decades to come.

Oh Sweet Lord

Talking about Alan Sugar, I see he is no longer Sir Alan, but instead demands his hapless apprentices refer to him as Lord Sugar. They of course stress the title in some hope of impressing the crusty businessman and thus not getting fired. Don't know what they're worried about anyhow. No-one can claim to be a high flyig executive unless they've been sacked by Lord Sugar at least once.

How anyone can say 'Lord Sugar' with a straight face is beyond me, but well done to the chap for getting made a peer of the realm. Of course he's just jealous of me. As soon as he heard I was Lord Caldrail he couldn't resist it. I have to admit, he's gone one better, since he's now part of the establishment and I'm not. But watch this space...

Rumbles And Grumbles

Talking about unwanted noise, last night I became aware of a sort of background rumble. That was quite an achievement, as by that time of night I had reached a state of complemplative meditiation about the television screen, a sort of vacuous nullness that only true couch potatoes can hope to aspire to. What on earth is making that noise?

No, it wasn't the neighbours. They've been very quiet the last few days, though I suspect my complaint had something to do with that. Serves the idiot right for refusing my good mannered request in the small hours and closing the door in my face. We have laws in England you know.

No, this was happening outside. parked almost on the pedestrian crossing were a pair of tanker lorries doing something very important with a drain. It was raining last night, just a light drizzle, and no obvious sign of flooding. No obvious sign of anything other than high vis clothing milling around, but I'm sure it was very very important. Carry on chaps.