I like science fiction. Except the sort you get in modern cars that is. I enjoy the exploration of worlds and ideas that make the genre function. Some people criticise sci-fi as lacking the insights and qualities of the fiction they prefer. In fact I've done so sometimes as well. My criticisms of the new Doctior Who for instance, which has turned a quirky and cheap sci-fi show into a childrens fairy tale.

Talking of science fiction fairy tales, I see George Lucas has abandoned plans for a television Star Wars series. Apparently they have the scripts, they have the actors, but not the cash. Maybe it's just me, but has George Lucas really missed the point of the small screen? Just show lots of flashing lights, small explosions, and get everyone running around breathlessly to a non-stop music score. How can you lose? You'll be selling millions of little ewok dolls in days.

Here's An Idea

Maybe the americans should take a leaf out of the British book and charge more tax? No seriously, I see they've just started charging ten pounds or so for travellers to enter the country. Why not introduce, say, a five dollar Star Wars tax on everyone? Mr Lucas will be drowning in money, he'll make lots of wonderful tales of teddy bears fighting evil armour clad minions of the state, and the american toy indistry will begin a new era in action figure dolls.

On The Other Hand

I see from the news that Afghanistan has found a new way of exacting taxes on foreigners entering the country. They shoot them. It's terrible that people going on holiday might find themselves on the receiving end of violence, but you have to ask yourself what the heck tourists were doing in Afghanistan in the first place. Visit war torn Afghanistan! See live action gunfights! Oh, and remember your travel insurance. And pack a teddy bear, just in case.

Driving Tests

I see that the AA are issuing helpful tips on how to pass your driving test here in Blighty. That doesn't affect me of course, I've already had the dubious honour of failing a test the first time for sending pedestrians in all directions. I got mauled, I really did. But hey, I passed the second time, and pedestrians have been happily avoiding me ever since.

The trouble is those tips are all so unhelpful. At the end of the day, you do have to handle the car with some confidence and skill or you fail. So here is the How To Pass Your Test (Star Wars Style)

How To Pass Your Test (Star Wars Style)

1 - Listen to Yoda. He might be small, speak in wierd grammar, but boy does he know a thing or two. And you don't need to bring any seat cushions for him to see over the dasboard either.

2 - Feel The Force, Driver. this has actually been part of driving in Britain since the car was invented. Put on the helmet. Never mind if you can't see with the blast shield down. Stretch out with your feelings. Oh, and make sure you have a strange old hermit in the passenger seat.

3 - A Bad Feeling About This - Does that car ahead look like he's going to do something dumb? Is that child about to run across the road in front of you? Is that warning light flashing on your dashboard? Has your fuel gauge stopped working? because when it's all gone wrong, telling the examiner that you knew it was going to happen wiill only earn you a cross. Tell him you have a bad feeling before it does. He'll tick that box.

4 - The Trench - The most difficult part of the test is when you have to manoever along the trench dodging enemy fire. Just press that accel;erator pedal and hang on. You can sort of tell what danger you're in by the music playing in the background. Other drivers will add hints by screaming when they crash and burn.

5 - Avoid the Trees - Can't stress highly enough that driving through huge forests is potentially hazardous and a real test of reactions. Always a good tip to make friends with the local teddy bears before you set out.

6 - Don't Get Caught - If the authorities stop you for any reason, you might want to cancel your appointments for the next couple of years. The standard punishment for being caught learning to drive is to be encased in carbonite, and it might take your friends some time to find you and fight for your release.

Well that about sums it up. Remember, the driver must have the most serious mind, the deepest commitment, and a couple of robot sidekicks.