I'm an optimist who hates to lose. It might not sounds complementary, but it's true. I despise losing, and I become severely put-off when I come across a situation that stymies me completely. And that's the key here--if I can find a glimmer of positivity, then I don't feel like I've totally lost. I can get over the temporary set back, as long as I know that I can still see an avenue to get what I want. I can will myself through the toughest of times, provided that I can see that light at the end of the tunnel. This lack of quit in me keeps me chugging along in something when the more faint of heart will give up, because I know that this tunnel will lead me to what I want. I'm not just the Little Engine That Could, I'm the Little Engine That Will.

I can't really accurately describe how frustrating it has been over the last couple of years. The cut backs to education have been so severe, and yet because I make "too much money" in the eyes of the unemployment office, I can't even get partial unemployment benefits. But I work quite a few hours per week, and getting a true second job would require more time than I have to give. I have private group courses, and while they are great injections of funds, they are short-lived, and people are not continuing simply because they were looking for an easy-way-out to learning a foreign language, only to find out that there isn't one. Despite the evidence to the contrary, many people still feel that somehow doing a bare minimum of work will still allow them to learn this new skill. It's maddening...and it's killing my bottom line. So do I give up some areas of my life in order to get ahead? Or do I stay within my profession, and suffer?

I guess it would be different if I knew there was a plethora of full-time jobs out there, just waiting to be filled. But there aren't. And it's not just me being picky about the job or about the location; in my field there is almost nothing out there, and the competition is so great. More and more there are temporary positions, which I tend to frown upon--the expectation is that you will have a heavy load, will still publish, oh yeah, and you will be cut at the end of your contract (which is usually 1 year) and you have to do the dance all over again. Even in looking at the 'teaching colleges' (where you don't have to worry about publishing as much) or community colleges, there is no money to hire, which means there are so few jobs out there. It makes this dream of mine look increasingly unlikely...that light is fading.

But maybe there's another one on the way? Maybe there's a different tunnel to go through, a side track that will lead to that position I have dreamed of and worked towards. One never knows...but something inside me is screaming that I can't give up yet, because something is about to change. I sure hope that this engine can keep chugging along.