It always happens when it snows. I get this uncontrollable urge to wander further afield. Okay, that doesn't make me Ranulph Caldrail, but trudging through snow is pretty tiring you know.

First stop of the day was at the park round the corner from where I live. You know, I was always taught that birds fly south for the winter, but not these hardy waterfowl, especially since they've cottoned on that we humans feel sorry for them and supply all their breadcrumb needs. All they have to do is swarm around and make lots of birdie noises. Sounds familiar.

The thing is though that now we have a situation where there are more birds in the park in winter than there is in summer. How thoughtless could these birds be? Have they not realised that old people are using their own rations to feed them? I blame our politicians for allowing too much immigration.

The second stop was on the hillside of Lawns Meadow. The snow here was fresh and crunched beneath my feet in a very satisifying way. I think it must be a primeval instinct. We like snow because it reminds us of our ice age past. I'm sure they would have had a great time if they'd had central heating and meat packages that didn't fight back.

Two of their descendants were snowboarding. In Swindon? Is that allowed? Surely dangerous sports have been banned in civilisation? It always looked a bit more exciting on television.

Third stop of the day was on the other side of the lakes. Taking advantage of the deep snow a chap was building an igloo for his kids and doing a fine job of it. Way cool. I did ask him if he had planning permission for his new dwelling but his ice age instincts were in full flow and in true anarchist style merely shrugged. It turned out that he was a mechanical engineer by trade. It showed. Using a plastic lunch box he was turning out snow bricks very industriously. I'm suprised he didn't automate the process.

Anyhow, his young daughter stood in front of me and said "You can help if you like." Awwww.... Swee-eee-eeet.... But no. I don't want all the credit for the inevitable collapse. I've got multi-national companies doing that already.

Fourth stop of the day was passing a woman dragging her kids along on a sledge. Good grief woman, show some self respect. I quipped that it beat pushing a pram. She agreed, and added that she was supposed to be at the gym but for the weather. That's a good exuse.

Sadly, my fifth stop of the day was by the main road when a van driver (always the villains) decided that driving through the slush piled at the side of the road is a jolly good wheeze, especially when a pedestrian gets plastered in biege sludge.

Hello

One the librarians said hello to me when I came in yesterday morning. Heck. That's the first time she's acknowledged my physical presence in the last five years. In my world that's getting dangerously popular. If I carry on like this I'll end up with a social life.

Driver of the Week

This accolade would have gone to that dunce who slushed me earlier, but no, it's the turn of a guy coming down the hill when I went across the road for a kebab. Despite the cold temperatures and the wet if not slushy road surface, he insisted on driving at fifty miles an hour. I hope he intends stopping at the junction at the bottom of the hill. It'll be the first time I've seen braking parachutes and retro-rockets deployed.

Huh? How did he manage to stop? Does he have some sort of sci-fi geo-magnetic motion positioning? Nah, that's not a German luxury car... Or is he a christian? I ought to be impressed, but...

Come to think of it, now the roads are a sort of dark brown asphalt, everyones driving around quickly again. That didn't take long did it?