Given my prediliction for using computers I can hardly claim to be a technophobe, but I must confess when it comes to mobile phones I'm almost a luddite. I hate the things. Horrible little contrivances designed to frustrate the owner and annoy everybody else in the vicinity.

Buying them is a little problematic for me too. High street vendors are very keen to fit you into a stereotype, which annoys me greatly, because I just don't want a phone for the reasons they're trying to sell them. What I get offered these days is a lifestyle organiser. Do I really need all that functionality? All I want is a means of communication. A phone line with some text message capability.

That would be great if the nasty little device actually worked. The problem is the battery. When you buy the phone, the salesperson will insist the charge will last... oh... two or three weeks. Oh? Mine always lasts two or three days, and one battery I use as a backup lasts two or three hours before beeping at me and cheerily informing me that it's about to expire any second now and attempting to make a phone call will result in embarrasement and failure.

And on the subject - don't get it wet. Mobile phones aren't waterproof. As I've discovered twice to my cost, these devices were never intended for convenient communication in anything other than a dry urban enviroment, which is suprising considering the utility of a mobile in the wild can't be underestimated.

Not any more. There is now a clockwork mobile phone. You pull it out and wind it up to start. One minute of winding will generate three or four minutes of phone time before it beeps at you to get more exercise.

Is it just me, or have mobile phone manufacturers missed the point? Much as this new phone means I would be freed from the tyranny of the battery charger, it's also rather like being freed from the tyranny of a car salesman by buying a Model T Ford.

Advice of the Week

The library computer whirred away as I went about my daily chores busily. So far I hadn't gotten one of those annoying 'Must terminate process' dialog boxes and I was downloading information off the net at a rapid pace. I wasn't aware of the approach of a librarian.

"You're going to get into serious trouble if you keep on downloading *or*." He whispered. Pardon? Personally I've got no time for pornography at all. Why would I get excited over a photograph of a naked woman in a silly pose? (Put the real one there I might start to sweat a little - I'm only human after all). More to the point, why did he think I was downloading *or*? As it happens I was downloading information about colour schemes for Messerschmitt 109's in eastern Europe. Much as I like the subject, I'm not really going to get that excited over it. Go away you silly little man.

Wow... Look at this....