The last twenty hours have been pretty much a treadmill of non-eventfull tedium. I hope you'll understand therefore if I delve into my stars for today in the hope that commercial journalism will reveal my future! If I have one, that is, I am unemployed in the midst of the worst recession since World War Two.

Unfortunately my daily horoscope merely tells me that my difficulties with technical details shouldn't stop me from pursuing my vision. That's an ethereal pep talk if ever I've heard one.

Oh hang on, what's this? What is my Moon Sign? Just answer all these simple drop-down choices and the secrets of the lunar influence will be mine... Oh all right then...

Moon Sign For Dummies

It turns out my moon sign is Gemnini. You gotta love this description...

On the day you were born, the Moon was in Gemini. There is no puzzle you can't work your agile brain around and no problem you can't talk your way out of. Emotionally, your feelings flit around, and you are a real chameleon when it comes to how you feel about yourself, your friends and lovers, and life in general. You are very flirtatious when it comes to your love life, because you really love interacting with everyone you come in contact with.

Interacting? Lets not get too carried away, hmm?

Forecasts of the Week

The other forecasts are of course commercial. For a small monthly fee I can find out about...

Love Tarot - A lot of flirting expected perchance?

Are We Compatible? - This is a bit pointless unless your chat up line revolves around the concept of asking what star sign she is.

Summer Forecast - Mostly sunny but occaisional wet moments? I don't need to pay for that.

Karma Love Report - Err... Has someone been videotaping me?...

The Wheel of Fortune - More dole payments followed by bills in the post? Here today, gone tomorrow. Figured this one out for myself.

Fortune Cookie - I thought you got these for free with biscuits in resteraunts?

The Queen of Hearts - Yes I'm serious. Besides being a famous celebrity depicted on playing cards and reprints of Alice in Wonderland, she now works as an agony aunt. For a fee of course. The lady has to earn a living after all.

The Crystall Ball - With this option I can find out out what my intended lurve partner is thinking (though it warns me not to get hypnotised - good advice). What's the point of this? Clearly it's intended for young girls but these days they don't agonise for long without forcing the issue with a mobile phone.

Soul Mate Tarot - Find out how well you mesh with your soul mate... Well, assuming you have one, surely you already know? What a pointless excuse to extract cash.

Astrological Spread - Not something for your sandwiches apparently, but an annual forecast of things to come. I already know that, Gordon Brown is still Prime Minister.

Yes/No Tarot - Am I at a crossroads in my life? Am I in need of an answer to a sudden and fearful dilemma? My dilemma is shall I pay for this service?.... I think I'll make a decision and not pay for a web program to do that for me.

African Bonecast - I'm not kidding. Rediscover the source of our divinatory practises...It seems our ancient ancestors in the Eden of the African Bush regularly logged on the internet and decided who would be ostracised for having the evil eye.

I Ching - Discover what the ancient chinese oracle has to say about facing your future with wisdom and serenity... There used to be a time when people walked barefoot on rice paper for years to get stuff like this. Wisdom?.. Not paying for it. Serenity?... Not worrying about it.

Your Chinese Portrait - Do I want a different point of view on the dynamics of my personality? Do I want to expand my self knowledge? Actually, I want to expand my bank balance, if that's okay with confucius.

I'm running out of patience. There's pages of this stuff. Tree of life, Zodiac Love Cards, Celtic Cross Love, The Runes, Gold Tarot, Eye of Horus, Minchiate Tarot, Career Tarot, Celtic Cross Career, Magic Love Tarot, and last but not least, your 2009 horoscope. Just in case you have any money left.