Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Caldrails Top Ten Show, where the latest hits are revealed to the unsuspecting audience.. Counting down to this weeks number one...

10 The Veronicas Untouched

What a mess. A mix of this, that, something else, and I'm not sure if the band knew they were playing the wrong gig.

9 Dizzy Rascal Bonkers (Down 3 places)

Can't say I ever liked Rap music. Can't honestly say I like this one, even if it does have a sense of humour and no-one gets shot in a drive-by. Stop buying it everyone. With a bit of luck it'll vanish from the charts altogether.

8 Daniel Merriweather Red (Down 1 place)

An australian singing sensation no less. Well... He does have a good voice, and at least the A&R man found him something reasonably ballad-like to sing.

7 Pixie Lott Momma Do (Oh oh Oh oh ) (down 5 places)

Blonde. Sort of a budget Britney Spears. Oh... Yes, the song. Bland. Sort of a budget Britney Spears song.

6 Agnes Release Me (down 2 places)

"Pop Songs For Dummies" sold an extra copy I see. Madonna did all this years ago. Quite pleasant though.

5 Kiri Hilton Knock You Down

Apparently this woman wrote songs for Britney Spears. I'd like to tell you more, but I've already forgotten this one.

4 Lady Gaga Paparazzi (up 4 places)

Comes complete with an interesting video. Good melody, shame about the electropop.

3 Black Eyed Peas Boom Boom Pow

Oh no. The sound keeps sticking. Must be a dodgy CD.

2 David Guetta & Kelly Rowland When Love Takes Over (last weeks No1)

Now this one is a dance track but for some reason I actually liked it a little bit. No... I can't remember it.

This Weeks Number One

1 Laroux Bulletproof (This weeks No1 and Laroux's first)

Woah. Ugly. Couldn't the record company afford a stylist? Come back Gary Numan, all is forgiven.

Career Move of the Week

Forget playing it. Criticise it. Average earnings for critics are well above the national average for dole seekers. So pick up the phone now and change your life...

I might as well face it. I've been watching too many adverts for professional training. On the other hand, perhaps when someone complains I'm not being fair to hard working musicians and producers, at least I'll be able to point to a certificate and say I'm qualified to criticise. That said, watching Beyonce in concert at LA was interesting. Pretty much all the glitz you'd expect from a high profile pop starlet who can fill stadiums with dance routines. Hard work I imagine. Funny thing is though, for all it's obvious composure and professionalism, the show left me feeling somewhat cold. Why?

I think it was the autonomic nature of the show. It was so well rehearsed and performed, by Beyonce herself, her elasticated dancers, and the anonymous musicians exiled to the shadows at the back of the stage. The human element had been dialled out for fear of a mistake or blemish to mar the perfection of the evening. It didn't suprise me that she stopped the band at one point and demanded applause from the audience. There was simply nothing to get excited about. No drama, no emotion. Just switch on the tv and watch the show...