Not of This World
Entry posted by caldrail
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Right then. Time to to meet my contractual obligations and earn my benefit payments. So its off to the office and another session of the training programme. Seeing as I'm officially famous and a genuine unemployed person, I think today I really must make the effort and dress in typically grungie fashion. Cue Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees and lots of silly dancing in front of mirrors.
Having dressed the part it's down the stairs and out into the big wide world. There's no stopping me today... Hello?... Who's that in next doors front yard?... A little old lady about four feet tall is busy pulling up weeds and putting them in her supermarket organic produce bag. Yes... Well.... Think I'll leave her to it. She;'s happy. I suspect her customers are too even if they don't know where these mystical potions are coming from.
Session of the Week
"Can I help you?" Asked the woman at the office. I pointed out I was there for my afternoon session and she relaxed a bit. "Come with me please."
Sigh. It's a pokey little office and I already know I'm going to be in the back room. But she's happy, so I follow behind and smile gratefully when she beckons me toward the door. The guys inside told me to choose a PC and get right on it. The job search I mean, not the computer. At least I think that's what he meant.
Oh no. I've forgotten my memory stick and I don't have my CV with me. So I'll have to type it out all over again... Boredom Level One.... De Ja Vu.
I've got a great list of websites to work through which means I have to register for every search engine on it one after the other.... Boredom Level Two.... Losing the ability to move facial muscles.
The man in charge says we can go home five minutes early because we've been good little boys and girls. I've worked very hard these last two sessions and currently the entire civilised world has access to my CV. So far I've had one email asking me why I want to work for their client... This is a joke, right?... Guess not, so I'll have to invent a clever answer... Boredom Level Three... Irreversible brain damage.
Now the man in charge tells me that having uploaded my CV to every planet with intelligent life (there's a huge number of advanced civilisations out there according to statistical studies) I'll have to do that every again every two weeks because otherwise these super intelligent space aliens get bored and won't read my CV. I know. I'll offer them my Self Marketing Voucher.
Yep. Us long term unemployed can now can now present a voucher from the government saying "Employ me and get cash, free". It's a bit like tuning your radio to the frequencies used by Alpha Centauri and saying "Hey guys, abduct me please? We'll throw in a free cow."
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