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Just Can't Please Everyone

caldrail

Entry posted by caldrail

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Somewhere, out there, in the wilderness of the Swindon job market, is an El Dorado of a career just waiting for me. The Lost Warehouse. I'm still searching the rainforests of Darkest Wiltshire for it, machete in hand, coiled whip hanging from my belt. Occaisionally though I come across strange tribes and alien cultures in this urban jungle, and the following job description has come to me attention...

 

Large Utility Company looking for a Technical Architect with a strong background in Data Warehousing and Business Intelligence. Responsibilities will include - Application Landscape definition and maintenance. Application Roadmaps (for sustainability and strategic direction). Product evaluation and selection. Assurance of projects and programmes against the Architecture and any appropriate Patterns or Solutions. Providing recommendations based on evaluation at various levels of the organisation up to Board level The Technical Architect will be required to resolve or oversee the resolution of very highly complex, high business impact, technological, commercial and social problems. Identify the business impact of architecture implementation including the anticipated business benefits and costs and the risks and consequences of failure. Take account of the organisations business plans and IS Strategy and Policy in developing and implementing Standards and Patterns to ensure compliance. Identify Infrastructure and Security Implications in projects. Pursue up-to-date knowledge of business relevant emerging technology trends and developments in the areas of Application Architecture, through direct supplier contacts and attendance at conferences and seminars as well as reading relevant research and get involved in the investigation of specific technologies, products, methods and techniques as required to assess their potential benefit to the business and their role in the evolution of the IS Applications Strategy Experience needed The Technical Architect will need extensive experience of Data Warehouse and Business Intelligence. Experience of Applications, Connectivity, and Data Architecture across a broad range of platforms and products. Experience of development methodologies and large programmes or portfolios of development initiatives.

 

Can you imagine the boss of a company like that?

 

"Ahh, Mr Caldrail, finally made it work this morning? What was it this time, the rope bridge over the river went down?"

 

No no. I have implemented amorphous time selection in the work place with a view to targeted arrivals and business sensitive initiation of labour assignments, with constructive initiation and resolution of working patterns that take adavantage of working time regulations and company policy that comply with management forecasts, leading to succesful resolution of current strategies and production schedules.

 

"I'm wet."

 

Doctor of the Week

Doctors have been getting into the papers recently. There was one guy who said the risk of falling off a horse was worse than dying in a car accident. He got pilloried for that wisdom of course, but now there's another attention seeking doctor who says that there should be a chocolate tax to dissuade us from expanding our waistlines.

 

Oh great. Now apologies to women are going to cost more. Sheesh.

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Aurelia

Sometimes I wonder what world people who post job adverts like these live in. I'm also currently looking for a job although in a slightly different field than yours but I am sometimes mystified by some of the job descriptions I come across. This one is not for me but still, I find it amusing:

 

Director, Global Humanitarian Capital

 

Responsibilities: Provide vision, strategy and leadership to assure X is acting as a leader across the spectrum of desired contributions including public relations, diplomacy, policy, advocacy, lobbying, professional engagements, services, publications, etc. Assure means for optimum and effective relationships with and between X offices in Europe & the EU, Brussels Office Board, Regional and Global Capitals, specific designated advisory bodies & Partnership members, entities, communities of practice and networks.

 

The post-holder will need to demonstrate full sympathy with X's Christian ethos, Mission, and Core Values.

 

Aaargh!!

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caldrail

With regard to job descriptions, its all about assumed prestige. By making the job seem incredibly difficult or technical (by using lots of obscure words in novel combinations) you attract people of the required mindset, or at least so the theory goes. Personally, I think people who write job descriptions like that are petty officious individuals whose own importance revolves around the use of a dictionary in their desk.

 

With regard to chocolate, I sympathise. So to the lady I once upset and who specified Terry's Gold as suitable recompense, I must apologise unchocolatedly.

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Aurelia
With regard to job descriptions, its all about assumed prestige. By making the job seem incredibly difficult or technical (by using lots of obscure words in novel combinations) you attract people of the required mindset, or at least so the theory goes. Personally, I think people who write job descriptions like that are petty officious individuals whose own importance revolves around the use of a dictionary in their desk.

 

With regard to chocolate, I sympathise. So to the lady I once upset and who specified Terry's Gold as suitable recompense, I must apologise unchocolatedly.

 

Yes, I know *sigh*. But still, sometimes I think they write obscure job descriptions because they themselves are not sure about what attributes they are looking for in a candidate. Btw, did you apply for this job?

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caldrail

No, I just wouldn't be able to keep a straight face. Actually, I don't have the 'professional demeanour' they're looking for. Its all image really.

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