Planet Alleyway
Entry posted by caldrail
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And now on Channel UNRV, we go deep into the rainforest as Caldrail Attenborough presents Planet Alleyway...
(Cue theme music and titles)
Hello. I'm Caldrail Attenborough, and this is a typical back alleyway in the depths of the rainforests of Darkest Wiltshire. In the next hour we'll looking at the rich variety of wildlife that exists in this remote corner of England, and hopefully, we'll discover some of the more exotic and reclusive creatures that live in Planet Alleyway.
We enter the alleyway at the mouth of a gravel stream bed. The poor drainage means this canyon floods with every rainy season, and the eroded sandy bottom has some treachorous puddles. If you look carefullly under this hedge... yes... the discarded bin bags of the Great Lazy Ape. A nocturnal species who leave the spoil from their nesting sites in the brick terraced houses, probably those on the horizon just over there. Now we'll move upstream, onto the Asphalt Plain....
This wilderness of asphalt is used by creatures inhabiting the brick terraces, and used on their migrations to watering holes every evening. Its a barren featurless waste, and we're going to have to be careful, because this region is home to the rare but carnivorous Garage Gorilla. Yes, there's one, patiently waiting his next meal in his inspection pit. I think we'll move on now, as he's spotted us and he looks a little angry at his privacy being disturbed....
Now we move into the Alley Hinterland. The asphalt is giving way to a mud and grass canyon between the demolition site fence and the neglected back walls. The fence has traces of another species found here, the Grafitti Mouse, a shy and retiring creature that leaves these colourful territorial markers on any vertical surface it can find. These gaudy symbols tell all the young males who is in the area as they struggle for mating rights in their own imagination...
Well, as you can see, I've penetrated the deepest region of the alleyway. Here, the detritus of alley life is at its thickest under the jungle canopy of nearby tree growth. The mud and grass is mixed with rubble, rusty metal, and if you look just, a pile of ash from a large fire, lit here by one of the alleyways most dangerous of species, the Firestarter Fox. They're only occaisional visitors to the alleyway, and are highly sought by authorities in this region....
Now we descend the far side of the Alleyway, and the ground next to wall is thick with mud. Oh yes, look there... Now I have to talk in a whisper, because I don't want to startle the pack of schoolkids just around the corner... Wonderful aren't they? These are all young males, in beautiful hoody plumage, and yes, there! Two are preparing to light a cigarette! A natural ritual so rarely seen in the wild these days. We'll leave them in peace... Too late! A nearby Single Mum spots and chases the Schoolkids away, using her screaming voice to intimidate them. She's tending to her young, and protects them fiercely...
Now we're at the far end of the Alleyway, a rugged landscape of discarded fridges and domestic furniture. We're going to have to move over now because two bull Bozo's are wandering toward us. These magnificent and obese creatures are easily angered, and have been known to bare their bottoms in threat displays, something I think we'll try to avoid at this close range.
This has been just some of the bizarre wildlife that exists in this remote region of Swindon. Join me next week, when we travel to The Park, and investigate the grassy serengetti of our public spaces....
(Fade to black, credits)
Fire of the Week
The local Firestarter Fox was on form. His impressive blaze blocked off the alley entirely, burning both the demolition site fence and the private gate opposite. Had to call the Fire Brigade on that one in the early hours of the morning. Might have to phone them to save Jeremy Clarkson too. Having conferred sainthood on a Swindon Councillor for switching off speed cameras, the enraged roman catholic church is preparing to burn him at the stake. Apparently the Eleventh Commandment of Tony Blairs Cool Religion is Thou Shalt Not Speed. As if we could afford the petrol to do so.
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