Seven months after he vanished from his Gloucester home Murphy the Gnome was found alive and well on his owners doorstep, along with a photographic record of his travels around the world. This heart-warming tale just goes to show there's more to gnomes than meets the eye.

Usually these quiet citizens of our front gardens don't travel at all. They lead a static existence, holding fishing rods and sitting there even in the worst inclement weather. They're good neighbours. They never get angry or hold loud parties into the small hours. They never complain to the council when dogs lift their legs and wee over them. They just keep on smiling. Why? Why do they smile?

Well, I asked that question to the gnome I met in a Swindon pub one night a few years ago. I knew he wasn't human - he smiled benignly even when the pub DJ played Kylie Minogue at full volume. Under intense questioning, I finally got him to admit he was a gnome. It was quite a shock. Up until that moment I'd never realised that gnomes have a full and varied social life. As to my question on why they smile, his answer was that gnomes were planning to take over the world. I therefore drifted away to congregate with friends, leaving him sat there with his pint in hand, blissfully happy.

Storm of the Week

Occaisonally we get thunderstorms over England. No, really. Mostly shortlived and somehow more polite than the aggressive excesses of foreign storms. Not yesterday. English weather was in a mean mood and although the lightning was none too impressive, the sound effects were extraordinary for our rainy homeland. Crackles and deep bass explosive booms echoed and shook the windows. I thought of the gnome army, gathering its strength in gardens all over england, getting drenched in their thousands. Sorry guys. I hope your paint is waterproof. But hey - keep on smiling.