The Battle of Burbage Bypass
Entry posted by caldrail
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What is it with german cars? These days it seems ownership of a product from Stuttgart is an essential qualification for success in life. That means I hate them already. I want choice. I want to select my dream car from a manufacturer who understands that not exeryone who likes a sporty car wears a suit and an expense account stomach. Mercedes, BMW, Porsche - they all want businessmen to drive their cars as status symbols. I once called into a porsche dealer to enquire as to whereabouts of another dealership, and I remember the rather wealthy businessman of a mature age looking disparagingly at me over the top of his Financial Times. All right mate? How yer doin'? He flicked the paper rigid and concerned himself with the finer points of economics. At least Porsche look like sports cars. At least Mercedes and BMW attempt to give their cars some sporty appeal. But Audi? For a start, they look horrible. You can't help feeling the styling was done by the same man who did those panzer tanks in 1945... All they need is a gun barrel protuding through the windscreen.
Of course I exaggerate. The R8 seems to be an excellent budget supercar which just goes to prove that armoured fighting vehicles can be fun too. But this is all beside the point. Why do I think Audi's are naff? It was recently announced on Top Gear that all those brainless idiots who used to drive BMW M series cars are now driving Audi's. I think they're wrong. Brainless idiots have always driven Audi's.
There I was, years ago, driving through Marlborough - sensibly - in a cheap Nissan 100NX. No, please don't laugh, people used to compliment me on my taste in cars. Well, they did in Swindon anyway. The white Audi pulled up to the mini-roundabout ahead from the road coming down the hill. The driver looked at me, my car, and decided I was unworthy of ordinary respect. So, flouting the Highway Code, good manners, and common sense, he simply pulled out in front of me when I had right of way. The gauntlet has been thrown....I know what you're thinking, but no, I didn't. Marlborough is a peaceful little market town where people live and do whatever market-townies do. I stayed driving sensibly.... until.... Yes, the audi is leaving Marlborough up Postern Hill. Its a double lane on that stretch, and seeing an opportunity for justice... Come on little Nissan, this is your moment of glory. I know you're just a tinnie little 1.6 litre but we can't let the Wehrmacht dictate who has right of way on British roads...
YES! In your face Mr Audi Kommander! My little Nissan made short work of the heavy Audi uphill. I was in front, where I should have been, probably grinning madly and feeling very pleased with myself. I patted the dashboard. Well done that car. The Audi Kommander was not happy at all. Having been shown a clear set of wheels uphill, he switched into nether-region mode and decided to overtake me at the first opportunity. He drew up close, almost driving in the center of the road, getting more and more frustrated at the oncoming traffic. He was unable to blitzkrieg past me before the road got to the windy bits further on. There my manoeverable Nissan shook off the lumbering tank on my six. He wasn't going to give up. The Burbage Bypass was next - a wide and fast stretch of road. The oncoming traffic was still choc-a-bloc, and ahead - oh no! A tractor! A lumbering agricultural civilian blocking my escape....
As chance would have it, a gap in the oncoming traffic presented itself. So I timed my arrival at the gap just at the right moment to zip past the tractor, just before a long left hand bend, and the Audi was trapped. I had escaped! I so desperately wanted to do a victory roll... Maybe the insurers might not like that.
A part of me says I was an idiot too, apart from choosing my moments to overtake a little more carefully than Hauptman Von Audi. But thats the trouble with businessmen. They buy these big powerful luxury saloons as status symbols and think that the accelerator is their divine right. And the companies that make these cars do feed their fantasies don't they?
Canal Update of the Week
Incredibly, some local councillors have forced the council to hold a local referendum before they rip up central Swindon to build a new canal. There you go, democracy can work. Since the money to build the canal comes from the EU, perhaps those councillors might try to persuade the EU to take notice of referendums after all...
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