caldrail's Blog

Emigrate! - to alaska.

Oh? They have gardening centers there?

 

Wanted - assistant to deal with customers and storage. Pilots license with floatplane experience an advantage. Must be computer literate, hairy chested, able to cope with social deprivation and grizzly bears, and a minimum of five years experience with hunting rifles. Apply now....

Let me walk you through this, bit by bit, so pay close attention. First of all, you will become extremely rich converting a few of your pounds into American lira. Sgt. Preston and his dog, King, are dead and gone, so you can take up stealing with immunity and impunity. No need to rent a flat, or buy a house with an ARM, just chop up some snow blocks and build a cozy igloo. No portaloo necessary; simply dig a hole inside and/or outside the igloo. As far as food goes, eagle eggs for breakfast with a side of whale blubber. Lunch?, salmon and lichens. For dinner, just blow the brains out of an unlucky caribou. No need to steal a refrigerator. For special occasions, whack a Bear. On those lazy Wednesday afternoons, you can pan for gold and/or dig for oil! Ever feel like not getting out of, or into bed? Meteorlogically, you'll be in the right spot. There are other advantages. If King Georgie the Poo decides to mix it up with his good friend Vladimir, you may very easily step into the winning side. People bother you? There ain't very many up there. Want a bridge to nowhere? That's the place. Ontologically speaking, Nome is a mere four steps from Rome.

 

Need more?

 

Let me walk you through this, bit by bit, so pay close attention. First of all, you will become extremely rich converting a few of your pounds into American lira.

I think you exaggerate just a tad.... I am officially poor after all, so my pounds are really very few.

 

Sgt. Preston and his dog, King, are dead and gone, so you can take up stealing with immunity and impunity.

Who from? I'm alone in several hundred square miles of wilderness.

 

No need to rent a flat, or buy a house with an ARM, just chop up some snow blocks and build a cozy igloo.

I can do that in england -I just stop paying the heating bill.

 

No portaloo necessary; simply dig a hole inside and/or outside the igloo.

Cool. I'll buy my bandana and survivalist magazine now....

 

As far as food goes, eagle eggs for breakfast with a side of whale blubber. Lunch?, salmon and lichens. For dinner, just blow the brains out of an unlucky caribou. No need to steal a refrigerator. For special occasions, whack a Bear.

Yes.... well.... I think I need to study the small print here..... Not quite like parting with a few pence in a supermarket is it? At least there the food doesn't fight back.

 

On those lazy Wednesday afternoons, you can pan for gold and/or dig for oil!

But whats the point? If I don't need to buy anything, whats the use of gold? If I haven't any roads to blast down in a ferrari, whats the point of my own oil well? Anyhow, I'm hungry, so if you'll exuse me I'll whack that bear over there.... Its not running away GO... Erm, GO, its standing up on its rear leg and making loud angry noises..... So where's this oil at?

 

Ever feel like not getting out of, or into bed?

I'm unemployed. Not getting out of bed is mandatory behaviour.

 

People bother you? There ain't very many up there.

One wonders why.....

Let me walk you through this, bit by bit, so pay close attention. First of all, you will become extremely rich converting a few of your pounds into American lira.

I think you exaggerate just a tad.... I am officially poor after all, so my pounds are really very few. Not a problem. Look, package your brains into a CBO - Collateralized Brain Obligation. Moody's will rate it AAA. Then go to the re-discount window at the NY Fed. They'll bury you in the new US lira.

 

Sgt. Preston and his dog, King, are dead and gone, so you can take up stealing with immunity and impunity.

Who from? I'm alone in several hundred square miles of wilderness. You forget that you will be situate near Nome.

 

No need to rent a flat, or buy a house with an ARM, just chop up some snow blocks and build a cozy igloo.

I can do that in england -I just stop paying the heating bill. You'll freeze to death then. There are plenty of pine trees in alaska just begging to be chopped down.

 

No portaloo necessary; simply dig a hole inside and/or outside the igloo.

Cool. I'll buy my bandana and survivalist magazine now.... Now you are cooking with oil.

 

As far as food goes, eagle eggs for breakfast with a side of whale blubber. Lunch?, salmon and lichens. For dinner, just blow the brains out of an unlucky caribou. No need to steal a refrigerator. For special occasions, whack a Bear.

Yes.... well.... I think I need to study the small print here..... Not quite like parting with a few pence in a supermarket is it? At least there the food doesn't fight back. When one has a shot gun, it doesn't matter if a Bear attempts to fight back.

 

On those lazy Wednesday afternoons, you can pan for gold and/or dig for oil!

But whats the point? If I don't need to buy anything, whats the use of gold? Sell it to Moon and pay off your CBO.If I haven't any roads to blast down in a ferrari, whats the point of my own oil well? A Ferrari? My good man! You'll be tooling up the Alaska Highway in the very latest Lamborghini. Anyhow, I'm hungry, so if you'll exuse me I'll whack that bear over there.... Its not running away GO... Erm, GO, its standing up on its rear leg and making loud angry noises..... Since it seems to have only one leg, just let it have one barrel. No point in wasting ammo.So where's this oil at?Right under your footsies!

 

Ever feel like not getting out of, or into bed?

I'm unemployed. Not getting out of bed is mandatory behaviour. Since you'll be as rich as Croesus, it will no longer be manditory.

 

People bother you? There ain't very many up there.

One wonders why.....They all are so rich that they circle the globe often.

 

If you have any more objections, just ring the bell.

Hey man, which window is that bell at?

 

think you exaggerate just a tad.... I am officially poor after all, so my pounds are really very few. Not a problem. Look, package your brains into a CBO - Collateralized Brain Obligation. Moody's will rate it AAA. Then go to the re-discount window at the NY Fed. They'll bury you in the new US lira.

Package my brain? Anyone got a matchbox?

 

Who from? I'm alone in several hundred square miles of wilderness. You forget that you will be situate near Nome.

Nome is a good place huh? I mean, plenty of bears and squirrels and stuff?

 

I can do that in england -I just stop paying the heating bill. You'll freeze to death then. There are plenty of pine trees in alaska just begging to be chopped down.

And that warms me up huh? Well, considering the cost of air travel to alaska, I guess I'll carry on paying the heating bill...

 

Cool. I'll buy my bandana and survivalist magazine now.... Now you are cooking with oil.

Well, actually I use electricity...

 

When one has a shot gun, it doesn't matter if a Bear attempts to fight back.

Not sure I want to put that to the test....

Hey man, which window is that bell at? The window of opportunity!

 

think you exaggerate just a tad.... I am officially poor after all, so my pounds are really very few. Not a problem. Look, package your brains into a CBO - Collateralized Brain Obligation. Moody's will rate it AAA. Then go to the re-discount window at the NY Fed. They'll bury you in the new US lira.

Package my brain? Anyone got a matchbox? That big, ay?

 

Who from? I'm alone in several hundred square miles of wilderness. You forget that you will be situate near Nome.

Nome is a good place huh? I mean, plenty of bears and squirrels and stuff? Yup! Even wild Cats.

 

I can do that in england -I just stop paying the heating bill. You'll freeze to death then. There are plenty of pine trees in alaska just begging to be chopped down.

And that warms me up huh? Well, considering the cost of air travel to alaska, I guess I'll carry on paying the heating bill... Considering all, that would be foolish.

 

Cool. I'll buy my bandana and survivalist magazine now.... Now you are cooking with oil.

Well, actually I use electricity...Then it is about time you tried oil.

 

When one has a shot gun, it doesn't matter if a Bear attempts to fight back.

Not sure I want to put that to the test.... Oh, come on. One Bear more or less isn't of any consequence in the ontological scheme of things.

 

Well, if you don't want to go to Alaska, then go to... Aotearoa.

Well, actually I use electricity...Then it is about time you tried oil.

I thought the stuff was running out?

 

When one has a shot gun, it doesn't matter if a Bear attempts to fight back.

Not sure I want to put that to the test.... Oh, come on. One Bear more or less isn't of any consequence in the ontological scheme of things.

Doesn't that depend how many bears there are in the first place? And since I'm the one on the receiving end of a somewhat miffed bear with pellet damage to its fur, that I cannot run faster than it, that I cannot climb trees better than it, and that its a great deal bigger and meaner than me, I'm not keen to pick a fight. Rambo was trained to eat raw bears, I wasn't.

I really do hate to give up on a Brit, so I suggest that you 'Go to Naples!'.

 

Why? Do the Italians have oil?

Nope, just mountains of refuse the size of Vesuvius.

Why? Do the Italians have oil?

 

They do have olive oil. But, if you have any Italian speaking friends make enquiry for a translation of 'Go to Naples'.