A New Kind Of Pain
Entry posted by cornelius_sulla
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I've been through a whole heap of painful crap in my life, more than most people I know. I have always subscribed to the belief that if it the pain isn't enough to kill you, it can only make you stronger.
I honestly thought that given all that I've been through, I can get through any kind of pain that comes my way.
How sadly I misled myself.
My children will soon be moving with their mum to another city, far away from me. I'm hurting about it, real bad, and so are my three beautiful little buttons. I love them all more than words can explain. My children and I have a bond that is so exquisitely pure in it's expression and emotion that all other forms of love I've experienced pales in comparison. To know that they won't just be down the road soon is killing me.
They've been staying with me for the past week or so and every night I've had to hold them close to me, group hug styles, as their tears soak my shirt and they cry that they don't want to go far away from me and their grandmother. They wake up in the middle of the night after having nightmares about being away from me that you can see on their little faces have scared them to their cores.
How do I deal with it?
Gods damn me, I lie. I lie through my teeth and tell them that everything will be alright, that they'll get to see me and gran just as much as ever, I mouth platitudes that granma and I will always be in their hearts, but deep, deep down I know my kids aren't stupid and that they're agreeing with me to make me feel better. That's how lovely my little people are. As much as they are hurting and struggling to understand why this has to be, they are trying to make me feel better about it all.
I've never had this kind of pain. I'll take broken bones, any kind of torture that inhumanity can come up with and gladly swap it for this.
I'm using this blog to get all of this out of my head, and it's great. Thankyou, UNRV. I'm sure that most people don't get this personal with their blogs, but, quite frankly, fuck 'most people'. I need to express this stuff somehow or it's going to drive me insane. This blog entry is not a veiled cry for help. It's a filter to help me try and make sense of this fucked up bullshit.
Worst of all is that I don't know what I'm going to do. I may have to move cities and just thinking of that is like staring off the edge of an abyss into the blackness. It will be very difficult for me to find work in the city that my kids are moving to. It's hardly even a city. There's not a whole lot going on down there apart from unemployment benefits (bugger that) and growing weed (bugger that, too).
I say thankyou in advance to any of you who may read this and decide to offer me advice or moral support.
I hope that my next entry will be a whole lot more positive.
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