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Lessons in Logistics

caldrail

Entry posted by caldrail

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AD points at a pile of cartons beside our porta-palace. "Caldrail, those parcels need to go by Slick Parcels today"

 

Righto. Out with the signing book, fill in the details (do they really need all this information?), write up the labels and stick them on the parcels - except this one because that the other order, so carefully peel off the label and reapply it to the correct box... now it won't stick.... get the tape, and the labelling is done. Now to phone Slick Parcels and get this lot out the door. Tap in the number... The phone is ringing...

 

This is Slick parcels. how can we help you?

 

Oh hi. I got some parcels I'd like to send.

 

Certainly Sir. Are you sending pallets or loose boxes?

 

Loose boxes.

 

Just let me enter that on my computer sir... won't be a moment.... And how many boxes are you sending?

 

Three.

 

And which carriage would you like?

 

Huh?

 

We do Economy, Next Day, 24 Hour, Saturday, Timed Delivery, and...

 

Ok ok, just send them economy.

 

Certainly Sir... (tap tap tap).... And how large are the boxes?

 

Well, box sized. You know, sort of so big. You can lift them.

 

Yes Sir, but I have to enter this on a comnputer.

 

I've written the dimensions on your signing book, isn't that enough?

 

No sir, I have to enter the details on my computer

 

Ok. They're about half a meter cubed.

 

Thank you sir.... (tap tap tap)... And how heavy are these boxes?

 

I haven't the slightest idea. I can lift them no problem.

 

I have to enter the details on my computer Sir

 

Ok, fine, they're about 10kg each I think.

 

Thank you sir.... (tap tap tap)... And when would you like us to collect these boxes?

 

Well.. now would be nice, otherwise this phone call is going to put me out of business.

 

Yes sir, but we do need to book the collection on our computer...

 

Ok ok, as soon as possible then.

 

Thank you sir.... (tap tap tap)... And where would you like us to collect these boxes?

 

The Warehouse, third on the left, the industrial estate off the road near that big roundabout.

 

Thank you sir.... (tap tap tap)... And what is the reference number?

 

What? We haven't got a reference number!!!! Couldn't you just turn up and take them away? All this stuff s already written on the signing book..

 

Yes sir, but we do need to enter the details on our computer...very well, I'll enter a reference number for you... Won't take a moment... (tap tap tap)... And where are the parcels being sent to Sir?

 

Weesellitt UK.

 

Ahh.. Now you need to book a delivery with that company Sir.

 

Pardon?

 

You need to book a delivery time Sir. They don't take parcels as and when. You can do that on the internet Sir, I'll give you the address...

 

Hang on a minute. All I want you to do is come and pick up a few parcels and send them to Weesellit. is that too much to ask?

 

You need to book a delivery time Sir. I have to enter it on my computer.

 

But we haven't got an internet connection. Can't you deal with it?

 

No Sir. You need to book a delivery time Sir. I have to enter it on my computer.

 

Tell you what. Cancel the collection. I'll send it by another carrier.

 

Certainly Sir. Could you state the reason you don't want our services? I have to enter it on my computer....

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Gaius Octavius

One ringy dingy; two ringy dingy....

 

Hahlow.

 

(beep. For your protection, this survey will be recorded. Press or say one for Urdu; two for Malay; three for Tamil...beep seven for English.)

 

Eight.

 

Thank you, sir. This is Stinky Parcel. We are conducting a customer satisfaction survey. Would you participate? beep

 

No!

 

Thank you sir. What is your ring finger size?

 

Fifteen. beep

 

Thank you sir. Are you happy with our E-Z service?

 

Go &*^# yourself. beep

 

Thank you sir. Who is your favorite TV character?

 

Joe Stalin.

 

Thank you sir. How many parcels were you going to send? beep

 

666.

 

Thank you sir. Where were they going to?

 

The bloody blazes.

 

Where is that, sir? beep

 

Iraq.

 

What was in them, sir?

 

Bombs, fish & chips, and a porta cabin. beep

 

Thank you sir. Did you wish to insure them?

 

Who the hell are you?

 

I can't give you that information sir, but my employee ID is 472950631. beep For taking this survey, we have a special gift for you, sir. beep

 

Is it any good?

 

Oh, yes sir.

 

Then stick it where the sun doesn't shine. beep Good things won't hurt you.

 

Thank you, sir. beep

 

(Para continuar en espanol, presso numero ocho....)

 

beep; clunk

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docoflove1974

When I started college, my class was the first to use phone-in registration...no more standing in lines, hoping you got the course you want. Now you call into the computer, and it works!

 

The woman who was the recorded voice was so incredibly monotone and 'plain' in voice that my friends and I would mimic her...except that we'd substitute.

 

"You have registered for...Spanish....150...Don Quixote...which is of...4....pizzas..."

 

"Your total balance is...one thousand....two hundred...twenty...four...salmon...and...sixty...six...smelt."

 

We figured that anything would be better than this voice...Sure, it's a question of having someone whose voice is not unpleasant...but bored college students and all that.

 

The one I love right now is when I call my cell phone provider...the computer voice is pretty good...but it's hell to get to the operator!

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caldrail

I don't know if you have this problem in the states but here in blighty a lot of telephone services have been transferred to compainies in India where labour is cheaper. Trying to understand these unfamiliar accents spoken by people for whom english is not their first language is a real pain.

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docoflove1974

India, Singapore...and a student of mine (who was born in Calcutta, but went through various Catholic/British schools, so she now has no accent) and I were talking about this the other day. Even for her it's frustrating to hear this...even she has problems! The worst part is when you ask where they're from: "ooh, I am from [enter middle American state]"...I call BS every time, especially the last couple of times...they said they were from Texas, and had the thickest Indian accent!

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caldrail

I know what you mean. We're getting foreign lorry drivers bringing in loads from the continent (not for us, but we happen to have the only office-like structure in plain view) asking for all sorts of things in languages I couldn't even begin to understand.

 

Half past ten mate.

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