Jump to content
UNRV Ancient Roman Empire Forums
  • entries
    1,146
  • comments
    1,165
  • views
    265,953

Merry Xmas

caldrail

Entry posted by caldrail

864 views

 Share

Its getting dangerous walking to and from work. That car salesman is watching me walk past like a predator on the african savanna under the shade of a tree. Quick Caldrail, avert your eyes, he'll think your wallet is open....

 

I've passed Santa on the street. looking very dapper, even effete without his usual white beard, and obviously on a diet. I think its like any celebrity, downdressing to avoid the publics attention.

 

Is it just me, or is this going to be the dullest christmas ever? usually at this time of year I get idiotic smiles and seasonal greetings from complete strangers, but not this time. Everyone just wanders around looking aimless. Has the government finally achieved its aim of turning us into robots, bereft of instructions on what to do during the festive season? Perhaps this is some subtle government strategy to support our ailing prime minister, GB, who clings to power like a child about to be stripped of his toy.

 

Anyhow, regardless of government policy and religious dogma, Have a merry xmas everyone. Except GB, who really does need to ask us whether he can play at Number 10.

 

Quote of the Week

"Floods should be treated like terrorism" said an author recently. Oh? Does that mean I have to take more care running the bath? Am I at risk of SAS and SWAT teams bursting through my bathroom window with stun grenades, pointing real live pistols at my head, and screaming "TURN THAT TAP OFF NOW!!!!"

 

Does this mean that sewage workers will receive medals for bravery?

 

Will the army mount patrols every time it rains?

 

Or will our nanny-state government offer VIP's security teams to ward off puddles? Wellies are not enough protection these days, we demand fast, armed responses to water escaping our rivers.

 

Didn't Canute try this once?

 Share

11 Comments

Recommended Comments

Gaius Octavius

Hah! Nanny Government has taken over your brain cell! "It's the water, ______!". Just ask MPC. :yes:

 

He is not a car salesman, he is an Alien looking to farm out your bod. Maxie lives!; just waiting for you to be transmogrified. B)

 

Santas? The Labour Party, you say! They are Martians snatching up little childrens to be re-programed as Liberals on Mars. ;)

 

Haven't you seen any Black Helicopters? Beware!, they are out to get you! :ph34r:

 

:ph34r:

Link to comment
caldrail

Thanks GO. Without you, the space alien plot would have suckered me in. Now I'm prepared. Interesting that you mention black helicopters because we often see one over Rushey Platt. No, seriously. After all the fuss I made to the police about my car they even hovered over me once when I was out the back cleaning it.

 

Ye gods!!! Was I abducted? Am I blissfully unaware of being prodded with cold metal rods and sex with green alien bimbo's?

 

Must destroy.....

 

Woah, what happened there?....

Link to comment
Gaius Octavius
Thanks GO. Without you, the space alien plot would have suckered me in. Now I'm prepared. Interesting that you mention black helicopters because we often see one over Rushey Platt. No, seriously. After all the fuss I made to the police about my car they even hovered over me once when I was out the back cleaning it.

 

Ye gods!!! Was I abducted? Am I blissfully unaware of being prodded with cold metal rods and sex with green alien bimbo's?

 

Must destroy.....

 

Woah, what happened there?....

 

 

Cops are worthless when it comes to stealing cars. Mine was stolen out of a Mafia parking lot. Neither the Mafia nor the flatfoots were of any help. You're lucky the flatfoots didn't inject you into the slammer. The black helicopters are jam full of babes, take advantage of the situation.

 

:ph34r:

Link to comment
caldrail

The police did turn up once obviously hoping to cart me away for 'making it all up'. Funny thing is, how come a car can suffer stonechips in exactly the same place repeatedly when the rest of the car doesn't suffer? That a stone scrapes away a length of paint rather like a metal edge might? At any rate, I had a public disagreement with the two police officers over it and one of them got a right lecture from me over the phone. If it comes to that, how come a car can suddenly have a deeper chassis, a raised seating position, slower steering, almost no acceleration, much reduced grip etc etc...

 

Somebody's been having fun at my expense, and I'm left with a dead car, beyond economic repair. What are the police going to do about that now I'm thousands of pounds out of pocket? Actually they smirk when they pass me on the street.

 

Aren't the british police wonderful?

Link to comment
Gaius Octavius
Aren't the british police wonderful?

 

Join the party! One never makes a brave an Indian chief. With handcuffs and guns, they are tyrants.

 

Maybe this will cheer you up. My Texan Aunt, (a Southern Belle), had a son who became a flatfeet. One day she was tooling down a highway, doing nothing wrong, when of a sudden, the flashing lights and the siren came on behind her. Scared the grits out of her. Pulled over. A cop ambled over to her exceptionally slowly. Started with the usual crap and then some. Had her step out of her car, and went on and on. She chanced to glance at the squad car; behold!, her stupid son gaffawing. She ran over to the squad car, dragged him out, and commenced to smack his luckless head around while he stood there with his hands at his sides, and laughing like a loon. Tied up traffic for miles as happy drivers stopped to cheer her on. Needless to say, things did not go well for dumb bell, at home, for a very long time.

 

And, yep, GO once got nailed for driving too slow!

Link to comment
caldrail

These days in Blighty you get nailed for driving. The government want our cash and have invented lots of insidiuous ways to catch us doing what we're licensed to do.

 

Seems a strange though that I offer advice to an american driver to speed up... :ph34r:

Link to comment
Gaius Octavius
Seems a strange though that I offer advice to an american driver to speed up... B)

 

Better make sure that he doesn't have a gun, or suffers that peculiarly American disease - Roadrageosisitis! :ph34r::yes:

 

:ph34r:

Link to comment
docoflove1974
Seems a strange though that I offer advice to an american driver to speed up... :ph34r:

 

Trust me, it doesn't happen often...most of us are flying around in our terrestrial flying aircraft (or, in my case...my Corolla...)

Link to comment
×
×
  • Create New...