Yesterday was signing on day. My fortnightly ritual has now changed from late in the afternoon to first thing in the morning, except that no-one seems entirely sure when. I approached the reception and handed them my booklet. The young man glanced at it and very helpfully told me to go away and come back in half an hour. Then he noticed some other detail on the page and looked confused.
"Wait here please."
Wait? At a dole queue? Thats novel....
Initiative of the Week
It seems our se
I've decided cars are female. They just are. most are frumps unfortunately. Some are reliable, others not. Some have interesting personalities, many simply don't talk to you or keep on nagging because you left the bootlid up.
Then there's cars like Ferrari. Curvaceous redheads with tight leather, vivacious, demanding. You just know she's going to be trouble but you can't help yourself.
I say this because going through some old papers I discovered my report from a racing school where I dr
Yesterday morning the weather was overcast, another typical dull British day and disappointing after the spell of spring sunshine we've been enjoying. By lunchtime the sun had burned off the cloud and it was a gloriously warm day. So much so I decided to go for a stroll, and headed north to Seven Fields.
Thats an area of farmland surrounded by housing developments and designated public space, although its still used as hay meadows amongst the wooded hillsides. There's an unspoiled quality to
He's at it again. Gordon Brown is thumping the table on the world stage and trying to impress upon everyone that he's a leading player. Walking beside Obama for the worlds press. Telling the economic conferences that we must all work together. Telling the third world they can have nuclear power if they don't point it at anyone else.
I simply cannot stand the man. He spent a decade being lauded as a great chancellor, renowned for his prudent handling of the economy. What? All he did was overs
The sun was getting quite warm as I walked home yesterday afternoon. I wasn't in any particular hurry and made my way through Old Town. Yellow paintwork caught my attention. As an automatic reaction I glanced up like anyone else, and since bright paintwork is a rarity in the sombre decade we live in, it might not suprise you to learn the car was a Lamborghini Gallardo with its roof down.
The driver was looking straight at me behind his shades. Don't know why, he just was. Then of course he n
The sun had got his hat on, hip hip hip hooray. It isn't that everythings going my way (I wish) but rather that Spring is making an appearance. The weather has that cool post-winter sunshine thats such a breath of fresh air in Britain. It affects the mood. You wake up, spot the brightness through the curtains, and just know its going to be a good day.
Even a black cat senses the mood. Walking down to my parents place for a sunday dinner it strolled across the road unconcerned about the black
The doorbell rang last night. Wow, thats a forgotten pleasure. Most people announce their presence by shouting in the street. So I drop my dry sandwich and rush downstairs in a fit of uncool eagerness.
A hopeful adolescent stood in the hallway, looking a bit uncertain at my raffish squalor.
"Is that your Mazda out back?" He asked. Oh no... Don't tell me it's been vandalised again....
Yes it is, I responded.
"You thinking of selling it?" He enquired nervously. I stared for a sec
Somewhere, out there, in the wilderness of the Swindon job market, is an El Dorado of a career just waiting for me. The Lost Warehouse. I'm still searching the rainforests of Darkest Wiltshire for it, machete in hand, coiled whip hanging from my belt. Occaisionally though I come across strange tribes and alien cultures in this urban jungle, and the following job description has come to me attention...
Large Utility Company looking for a Technical Architect with a strong background in Data Wa
Nine people a day in Great Britain die from road accidents. Thats a startling statistic, but one thats being used by all sorts of people to persecute car drivers. The man behind the wheel is the villain. He (or she) knocks down pedestrians, fills our roads with stationary queues, and threatens the climate.
The emotive interviews with grieving parents of those killed on the road are understandable but to some extent it's exploitive journalism. Life after all isn't safe, despite the cossetting
Yep, it's that day of the fortnight. Time to sign on. As it's my number one social engagement this week I thought I'd be fashionably late, and as expected, there was a crowd of bored dole seekers waiting in long queues. Eventually I got called forward, and waited in the secondary queue inside the office. I just love this system of theirs. One queue after another.
In fact, the woman who dealt with my claim wasted no time. "Have you managed to apply for any jobs?" She asked me quizzically. Che
Just now I saw a headline that a drag queen has been sentenced for sending a hoax bomb threat to a warehouse I used to work at. Quite right, but it did amuse me. Some years back the warehouse manager, DG, left her briefcase in the foyer and as an unattended suspicious package, the premises were evacuated and the army bomb disposal called in.
Well, she eventually got the boot. She also presided over another large operation that went bust later. I knew I was right about her. Am I allowed to be
Yesterday I ran out of space on my job search card so it's down to the job center to ask for another. As expected there was a mass of bemused dole claimants milling around while harassed security guards do their best to sound important. Ok, here we go...
I brush past the lines of ex-car manufacturers and single mothers to confront a guard. Can I have one of these please?
"Wots that then?"
Its a job search record. I need a new one.
"Why do you need a new one?"
Ok. take a close
What a morning. As per my usual ritual, I wander down to the library to log on and contact the world out there. I know there is one. I visited it a couple of times.
As it happened, I was furst up the stairs - the security guard was craeless and opened the gate two minutes early. Right then, choose a PC, enter my number.... password... Number 19 in the queue to log on. What?!!!
I amuse myself by tapping on the desk. Wow... Sir Alan Sugar is sat in the cubicle next to me. Seriously, the re
Last night, during the small hours, I went to the back of the house to answer natures call. Whilst there, I became aware of a loud conversation between a group of lads out the back. The car park is sometimes used by passers-by so I didn't think too much of it... until I realised they weren't walking past.
Open the window... Just a tad...
They were standing beside the corpse of my Eunos Cabriolet discussing events leading up to its abandonment. Not just the car either. Informed opinion wa
A couple of years ago, I watched a tv news report about some idiot in New York who kept wild animals in his apartment. Amongst the exotic beasts was a full grown tiger. Hard to believe, but there it was, on screen.
A policeman was lowered on ropes down the outside of the block to administer a tranquilizer dart through the window. Understandably, police were reluctant to enter the apartment with a live carnivorous cat in a hungry mood. The big cat charged at the window and scared the policema
Yesterday I made my way into town and to do so, I need to cross a busy road junction. There's a pedestrian crossing there so it isn't an onerous task.
I approach the traffic light and looking to my right (We brits very sensibly drive on the left) a car was slowing down to turn left into the College car park just before the crossing. The van behind had nowhere to go. So taking the opportunity I strode across the road, with the traffic lights changing from red to flashing amber (Thats 'You ca
You know it's a funny thing. Women always say that middle aged men are weighed down with emotional baggage and you know what? We are.
The reason is partly biological. Us blokes go off the boil a little and get steadily lukewarm as we realise out fragile bodies aren't coping with the demands we desperately want them to. Instead, we have to claim we're getting steadily cooler but you just know you're not convincing anyone. It's getting harder to keep hold of the harem. The aggressive young ma
After my daily stint at the library it was time to pop down to the supermarket for a few items to keep my stomach from rumbling. The street was busy as usual - Ooh look, there's that woman sat at the cafe opposite, staring at me again. Either she's an investigator for the Department of Work and Pensions (Ridiculous but these fantasies make my day so interesting) or she's stalking me (I'm going to find boiled bunnies in my flat before long - I just know it). It might just be I got up this morning
Last night the tv news news waited to show Barack Obama live as he gave a speech about his stimulus package to revive the flagging economy. The audience, which seemed to composed mostly of photographers whose trigger fingers couldn't resist taking photo's of the empty podium, needed to be entertained whilst they waited for the presidents appearance. So a recording of a brass band played over the speakers. It happened to be the theme tune to Monty Python. I had this image of the US Department of
Over the weekend we had that inevitable media circus that is Valentines Day. I have to be honest, the search for lurve was quiet this year, and as far as I'm aware there wasn't much on tv apart from the usual late-night adverts for mobile phone fantasies. Yes, there were some groups of drunken girls squealing at every suprise as they do. A group of adolescents chanting and beating their chests in a display intended to impress us with their manliness. Heard it all before lads. Sorry.
For some
There's an area of land that I know reasonably well. It's farmland behind Coate Water, a nature reserve and an area of natural beauty. Unfortunately it's become contentious because developers have noticed how close it is to the M4 motorway and so good for business. There''s a plan to let a university build there, and of course, no developer in his right mind would build a university five miles out of town in the countryside without a housing estate next door to sell to people who can't afford mo
I dropped down to the library this morning... Whaddaya mean you thought I might?.... anyway, I turned up a little earlier than normal and although the foyer was open, the rest of the building was closed off with a folding door. The security guards religiously open this barrier three minutes after opening time, every day. This morning it seems even that task was too onerous. No guard was in sight.
Eventually a pair of librarirans bravely decided to open for business. They went into the small
I came back from the library yesterday morning having trawled throught the various job sites and discovering how evrywhere else in Britain has vacancies. Walking up the hill, I couldn't help notice an electricity company van parked beside our local transformer. Wait. Don't tell me. There's been another power cut...
It seems I was correct. Everything in the house, including the heating, the cooker, the fridge, the lights - all the usual electrical stuff that makes survival comfortable - was o
Right then. The pavement is covered with undulating ice an inch thick. It's slippery, dangerous, and I'm fed up of risking my neck on it. So I retrieved my trusty spade from its burial place and got to work. I dug up a narrow path something like fifity to seventy yards long. Some pedestrians merely strode past me without a word, but three actually said thank you. I suspect an asian woman would have been number four but talking to strange caucasian shovel-wielders in the street isn't part of thei
The frozen slush and hard packed snow has turned to an undulating sheet of ice outside my home. On a downhill pavement, it's fairly lethal. Looks like I'm going to have to break my back and shovel my way to the shops to prevent broken bones. What a choice.
Choices of the Week
Every year you see the same adverts. Lovable pets in help center cages looking mournful. The message is always "A pet is not just for Christmas" and I agree wholeheartedly. Not everyonme does it seems, and in the paper
