For some strange reason the museum sells plastic balls that play voices from Family Guy. Only one on the premises actually works. We know, because we conducted a quality test this morning. I guess you had to be there.
Missed Call
My mentor at the programme centre is getting a little anxious. She's keen to get me a job before I finish the course and the frequency of her emails has gone up an order of magnitude. What makes it worse is that she doesn't seem to understand I have no internet con
Just in case you all thought I was going to do something impulsive or inspirational, fear not, for today is just another day in the life of a dedicated jobseeker. So once again it's another fifteen minute stroll to the programme centre and delve into the myriad advertisements on the internet.
On the local high street I spotted an articulated lorry parked on the side of the road, with a van parked the wrong way round on a one way street, with goods being transferred from one to the other.
All of a sudden my car is desirable. In the last four weeks I've had four people knocking on the door asking if I'm willing to sell it. Not, as you might imagine, young tearaways out to secure the chance of impressing their mates with sporty japanese road-going hardware, but office girls, up and coming managers, and old chaps looking for the project to keep them busy until that final heart attack.
But why my car? To look at ithe vehicle askance it's nothing special. Okay, it's got a neat bod
Oh hang a minute, my mobile phone is ringing. That doesn't happen very often these days. Hopefully it'll be an employer begging me to save their company from bankruptcy.... Nope... It's my aunt. You've never met her have you? No, I thought not. You'd know if you had because bless her cotton socks, she cannot stop talking.
"I've not used my mobile very often" She explained, "And I found your phone number on it. So I thought I'd give you a ring."
You see, this is how my family is. Anyway,
Weathermen do love it when things get interesting. Our current spell of fine weather is about to end, and as always, the man on tv grinned mightily as he warned of impending wind and rain. Okay, okay, I heard you the first time, change the cript, please...
Today is still sunny. A bit cooler though, and actually the breeze is quite chilly.
I was strolling along the local high street on my to the programme centre. A young woman in a red car swerved across in front me, mounting the pavemen
For the first time this year the museum left the front door open. That proves how nice the weather is getting. In fact, the museum likes to keep the door open because it persuades people to wander in. A closed door is very intimidating for the average member of the public.
And they poured in. Four visitors this morning. Rushed off my feet I was. Taking money at the till, providing assitance to vistiors, answering enquiries from the public at the reception desk, preventing displays being nick
For some strange reason I woke bright and early this morning. For a reason probably easier to understand I wobbled dangerously as I overconfidently got out of bed. Oh well, start as you mean to continue.
As usual I made a brief glance out the window to check what sort of weather awaits me today. The horizon was buried under thick grey clag, a sort of dark fog, and at first sight it looked as if I was expecting a very damp morning.
By the time i was washed, dressed, and ready to take on t
Now this is a much warmer day. After a thirty minute walk to the programme centre I was sweating.
"Lovely day isn't it?" Said the young lady on the front desk. How she noticed that buried inside her air conditioned laminated trench is a mystery to me. Oh look, now I'm getting sweat all over the floor...
My mentor popped into the foyer to collect me with her usual polite cheeriness. She also mentioned what a nice day it was, and obviously concerned at my sweaty face enquired whether I had
If you ask around I don't doubt for a moment that you'll find those who think I'm wnot quite right. Partly that's down to my Londonian genes, which grate irritably on the Swindon herd. Partly it's down to my individualism, something else the Swindon herd doesn't comprehend easily. On the other hand, I have a strange exotic ailment normally only reserved for celebrities trying to get out of the jungle.
What is this strange ailment, you might ask? Some of you will be muttering various causes
All weekend the library computers weren't working properly. What a disaster. it seems the whole community is utterly dependent on the facility and hordes of disappointed library-goers left the building despondently for two days, including me, aklthough in fairness I was a bit angrier than most.
When the problem emerged on the saturday morning, it was my least favourite librarian on duty. He makes a big show of trying to be helpful, but when you actually ask him for help, the answer is always
What would you do with a lottery win? With several million pounds in your wallet? I've heard this question asked time and time again. Many people actually tell me they want to be generous and give everyone they like a huge wad of the winnings. Perhaps, but I'm a little too cynical to believe I'm that likeable.
Anyhow, Young L, the museums resident football player, was discussing that very question today with the backroom crew. His preferred course of action is to buy a Bowler Wildcat (for t
The hot topic in Swindon right now is lamposts. The new ones are installed and shining brightly at night already, and as I speak the old ones are being felled like dead trees. It doesn't stop there.
I was strolling along the canal walkway that heads north out of the town centre and on toward a trading estate where I intended to spend a few pence on replacing some broken tools. A couple of workmen were spraying the posts with aerosols. Usually that job is left to youths in hoodies, but I gues
Our recent spell of sunny weather seems to be coming to an end. Showery old Swindon is a little damper today, here and there, usually when I step outside the house. I have to say that today has not been a special day in any sense whatsoever. For the pidgeons on the balcony outside the library, I guess it must seem a bit different. I've just watched two of them having sex in plain view from my vantage point at the computer.
The victorians used to believe that mankind was the crowning glory of
With rain looming on the horizon I was pleased to see a bright sunny morning. Since my first task of the day was another visit to the programme centre, I decided to take advantage of the good weather and take a stroll up the alleyway rather than down the hill.
By this time of year the undergrowth should be starting to bulge along the fence marking the boundary of the old college site. So far there's precious little of it, and instead it looks as if the alleyway has been cleared of foliage.
Last week was a plethora of cancelled appointments. Yet another landed on my doorstep on Friday. In formal and impersonal style the date was set later, leaving me free to answer the call of duty at the museum. Well, that's volunteering for you.
Monday opening? The museum tried that before and gave up. Today however, a coachload of french students are to be transported across Britain to our sunny old Swindon, for a special open day all for themselves.
Forty seven bemnused french youths sa
Another sunny day? Yes, it is. Another chance then to get out and about, doing stuff, meeting people, filling my day with endless blog anecdotes. So let's start as I mean to continue. First task is to extricate myself from bed.
Get out of bed? There was a time in my energetic youth when I thought nothing of leaping into clothes and bursting out into the big wide world before being crushed utterly by fate. Now I grimace and debate the relaive merits of warm comfortable beds and the bracing we
Glancing at the local paper today I saw a piece on how some organisation intends to renovate the street I live in. In a sense that's a good thing. With a new shopping centre planned to replace the derelict college buildings almost next door, it hardly makes sense to build an expensive flagship development next to a run down street full of empty and vandalised offices.
Trouble, they intend to use offenders to paint properties and build flower boxes. Oh great. So the local burglars get a chanc
By the early hours of yesterday morning I'd had enough. The files on my computer that I was working on had reached the point where they were arguing with me. Error messages came up and I brushed them aside with a click of the mouse. Eventually the the project sent me to coventry in a fit of digital picque.
After a few minutes of effing and blinding I decided it was time to log off, close down, and retire for the evening. Tomorrow I would start again.
Eventually I shut everything down and
Life is a struggle for doughnuts in the dangerous world of the rainforests of Darkest Wiltshire. Face it, a doughnut can make the difference between fulfilled satisfaction or desperate hunger.
I pass the window of the chinese takeaway and drool helplessly at the large glossy adverts of exotic dishes on display. By habit I check my pockets for cash, and make a sigh of resignation at the discovery of the last few pence.
Pence? What can you buy with pence these days? I suppose newspapers a
With an air of practised superiority, the claims officer remarked to his colleague that I was not an arbiter of style. Neither is he, for that matter. Resplendent in a shirt I can only assume he made from cheap wallpaper, he leafed through the documents in his hands with official disinterest.
Hang on a minute, I need to pick myself off the floor and bandage my ribs....
There, that's better. Now that I'm composed again, I have to say his attempt to belittle me was pointless. Hey, half the
For the last couple of days I've vibrated along to the rumble of heavy machinery trundling by on the street outside. Hot asphaltic steam rose from the shiny black road surface, and young workmen buried under layers of once fashionable clothing wandered here and there, earning their money by looking busy all day. This morning I glanced out to see what progress they've made when... Huh?
What a suprise! A brand new road, glistening darkly with brand new tarmac and light rain fall. Cars wafted
There are certain things in life that you know aren't entirely sincere but you do them all the same, such as buying cars, watching party political broadcasts, going to church, or reading horoscopes. Sometimes you just can't help yourself.
I glanced at my horoscope this morning and this is what I read...
Have you been thinking about writing an article of some sort, perhaps involving travel or a fascinating new field? If so, Libra, you might want to start it today. Your creative juices are
Today is a different sort of day. Gone is the hazy sunshine, replaced by the all-enveloping grey clag of a typical Swindon day. Sounds like a lot of activity outside. I know they're ripping up the bit of the road they ripped up last year, but something sounded different somehow. With some curiosity then I glanced out from the curtains and... Huh?
Almost the length of of the bottom half of the hill is lined with plastic barricades. Contractors lorries are parked all along the area set aside f
Yesterday I found myself with an afternoon to spare. The good weather was literally too good to ignore, so I wandered into the depths of Croft Wood to find a tanquil spot and enjoy the sunshine. Even with cool temperatures and a light breeze, the day was warm. I know this all sounds a bit naff, but I do find it relaxing to sit listening to wind in the trees, birdsong, and the exasperated orders of dog owners.
On the way there I strolled through the park. It was the usual scene, a handful of
There are two ailments that are so beloved of the British working class. The first is flu, or rather a bad cold, which has to be responsible for more days off than anything else. The second is backache.
I know a lot of people pull 'sickies' with this excuse, but honestly putting your back out for real is astonishingly easy to do and excrutiatingly painful when it happens. What makes it worse is that no boss in the whole united kingdom will believe you if you report your suffering.
The fi
